Mood: not sure
Now Playing: I Hate Everything About You
I'm a year and a half into my transition now (if you count from the first day I started hormone replacement therapy) and things have gone very well. Better in fact, than I had any reason to hope. I've had good results from both HRT and laser, I'm told I'm presentable (hard to see it for myself but it will come), I've been accepted by the limited number of people I've come out to, I have advice and guidance from people who have gone through all of this before me, I have a bright future with a good career and I have a loving, supportive roommate who has helped me all along the way. So why am I finding it so hard to continue moving ahead toward living fulltime? I have around 10 months until the date I had originally set to go fulltime and when I should be sprinting ahead towards the finish line I find my legs leaden and unmoving. What's holding me back? Friends I've had who were behind me transition wise have since caught up and gone fulltime as I plod along. I used to tell myself it was ok because I was going at my own pace and I had my own timeline to execute and that I shouldn't worry about how fast or slow others reach that same goal. Still, it's depressing to be passed up by all your peers. Granted school is slowing me down. All the girls I know who have passed me and gone fulltime are working part time jobs or struggling to build careers. None of them are (still) in school, but is that a reasonable excuse?
Don't misunderstand me. I have no desire whatsoever to go back the way I've come. I could never go back to that life. It's just that I'm wondering if I haven't found a safe stop along the way and latched on because it was comfortable enough to get by with. I mean when you compare the here and now with what I was struggling with before I started transitioning the difference is amazing. I'm infinitely happier now than I once was. But shouldn't I be pressing ahead to fulfill what I was headed towards all along? Presently I'm doing well in school and people generally like me. Even though I may look a little on the odd side (presenting as a guy) people warm up to me quickly and I'm definitely enjoying myself. Plus, I get to be myself most of the time I'm home. I can't remember the last time I wore casual guy clothes. So is it this safety of having my privacy (concerning my gender issues) and still being able to be myself for a decent amount of the day that's given me pause? Is it because while the distant future looks so secure, the immediate future (ie. the time surrounding my coming out at school) is full of uncertainty and doubt. Not to mention the fear of rejection by my classmates. Is it because with fulltime inching closer daily, the facts concerning what I'm about to do have suddenly become crystal clear causing me to hesitate while I take it all in? Wish I had the right answers. Perhaps it's something else entirely.
Share your thoughts if you'd like...
I'll let you know if I come up with a good explanation.