Clubbing
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Somewhere In Between
I had hoped to have my website all updated and to have added some new pictures on Saturday night but I ended up getting a call from my ex ex and needed to go and see her. It's odd but since I came out to her, it's like a wall between us has disolved and we're much closer again. So I ended up going to see her Saturday night at 10:00 pm and didn't get home until 7:00 am on Sunday. I'll try to catch up this week and do the updates I had planned along with wading through some more of your emails. Plus, I'm adjusting my links page a little so I'll keep you informed.

The day after Christmas (back when I was still visiting in Colorado), Jayne and I decided to go to the clubs in Denver for a change of pace. We drove around Denver for a while just seeing the city and having a great time chatting it up. Eventually we settled on going to a place called The Church which was actually pretty busy for being the day after Christmas and on a Sunday night. We got there around 10:00 pm or so, showed our IDs and then wandered around the upper dance floor for a bit since there was no cover there. The music was ok (remixed pop stuff) and there were plenty of people but it wasn't super exciting. I grabbed a drink and Jayne mingled a bit but we ended up deciding to check out the lower dance floor which had a $5 cover. Well when we got downstairs and while we were paying the cover I realized that it was completely goth that night. Now Jayne was dressed mostly in black and so fit in but of course I was wearing a little sky blue halter top, a pair of light blue jeans and my skechers. So yeah people were giving me odd looks before we even got inside. Now downstairs there are two main dance floors, one with a larger bar and the other with a small bar at one end and a larger dance floor. It also turns out that there are tons of black lights downstairs which does nothing to black clothing but of course with what I was wearing I completely glowed in the dark, lol. Head to toe, even my shoelaces glowed and as if I'm not self-conscious enough. Plus, I was one of like 3 people out of maybe 100-150 not dressed all in black. Hard to not be self-conscious in a place like that.

We wandered around just a little and Jayne decided she was going to mingle and dance a bit. I decided I was going to make myself feel better and get drunk a bit so I grabbed something at the bar and downed it quickly and then got back in line to get something else (to calm my nerves of course :-P). While I was waiting in line someone tapped me on the shoulder so I turned around expecting to be told, "You don't belong here" or some such thing but the girl behind me was like, "Hun, your tag is sticking out, do you want me to tuck it back in for you?" and then, "You've never been here before have you?" Lol. You think? Is it obvious? She was so nice though and we chatted for a minute before the bartender got my drink. So I was feeling a bit better and found a little padded bench out of the way in a corner where I could sit down and not stand out so much. I had only been sitting a minute or so when a really cute guy and girl came over and plopped down next to me and introduced themselves. They also asked, "Is this the first time you've been here?" which became the story of the night. Wow, people actually being friendly to me and what's more without any work on my part, lol. They were both really nice (names omitted for their privacy) and we chatted for a bit and then they told me about an after party that would be going on and said that I was more than welcome to come if I wanted.

I pretty much considered the night a success at that point, just having gotten some positive responses from a few people and not getting "clocked" as far as I could tell. I finished my drink and caught up with Jayne for a bit and then went to get another while she sat and chatted with some random guy. While I was in line a cute boy cut across in front of me and said something I couldn't hear so (feeling a bit tipsy at this point) I leaned in, put my hand on his arm and asked him to repeat himself. I think I surprised him a bit but he said, "Oh I'm sorry, I was just saying excuse me, by the way my name is K****" He ended up stopping and chatting with me while I waited for the bartender then took his leave while they were getting my drink. I went and sat down on the same bench and after a few minutes a guy in his late 20s or early 30s sat down next to me and said hi. We talked for a bit and when I finished my drink he offered to buy me another one but I wasn't into him so I thanked him but declined.

I caught back up with Jayne as it was getting a bit later on in the night (and clubs are only open until 2:00 am there, WNY spoils me), and then somehow I ended up back at the bar again. I ordered one more drink and then moved to the side and found an empty spot where I could stand and just watch the dance floor. Well, I had only been there for a little bit when who should show back up but K* from earlier. We ended up chatting for a bit and then he offered to buy me another drink (bad idea because I was already buzzing plenty) and got me one from the bar (very bad idea because he brought it to me instead of getting it myself from the bartender which is really dangerous for girls in clubs with strange boys). He bought me another drink or two while we chatted and eventually he leaned over...and...kissed me :-P So yeah. It was kind of nice so I kissed him back. We found a seat at the bottom of a closed off set of stairs and chatted for a while longer and kissing here and there sort of led to...well...he kind of...er...stole second.

All fun must end and suddenly it was 2:00 am and everything was closing down. I was more than a little tipsy at that point and gave Jayne quite a headache by leaving her sweathshirt and cellphone in the club while we were trying to get out. Plus, later on I was more than a pain in her a**. K* helped Jayne get me to her car and we kissed a bit more (tell me if this is too much information to be including in my blog) and then finally Jayne grabbed me by the belt and pulled me into the car. I said something to the effect of, "I just got pulled in by my a**, I guess I have to go now." Lol, and then we were on our way.

Returned From Colorado
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Somebody Told Me
That's right, I spent the 21st thru the 28th of December in Colorado visiting my friend Jayne. I'm going to try to recap things the way they happened but I slept so little while I was there that days started to blend into each other. If you stop by Jayne, and I've messed this up, let me know so I can adjust days etc. Word to the wise, this will probably be a long post.

Tuesday, December 21st:
I flew out early in the morning so I would get into Colorado by 2:00 pm or so. Unfortunately, because my ID hasn't been changed yet I had to fly in boy mode to avoid hassles. Can't wait until that won't be an issue. The airport was fairly quiet and I had no problem finding my flight but it seemed like people were giving me a lot of odd looks. I have a feeling that I'm not doing a great job passing as a boy in boy mode these days. Thank God I finally bought an iPod (which I reccommend to everyone even though I hate apple computers) so I had something to do during my flights and layovers. Lets face it, airplane music just isn't cutting it these days and most of the movies are Cs and Ds. I arrived in Denver around 2:00 pm and was able to find Jayne pretty quickly and we were on our way. We ended up hanging out at her place for the first evening during which time she ran to work for a few hours and left me time to change, unpack and just veg a little. When she got back from work we decided to go out and catch a movie and settled on Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events which was very good :-) And believe it or not, I used the women's room in public for the first time halfway through the movie. Sad that it's taken me this long, no? It's kind of odd but even when I was in Boston, I always managed to use the bathroom in the hotel rather than while I was out though I wasn't consciously trying to. For those of you who have never done it, it's not that big of a deal but before you've done it it definitely has a scarey edge to it. As it turned out it was almost a bit anticlimactic since there was no one in there at the same time I was (though later on during my trip I used public restrooms several times that were FULL of women). After the movie we ended up crashing and talking late into the night (a common theme for this trip).

Wednesday, December 22nd:
We woke up late on Wednesday and were pretty lazy most of the morning. Eventually we got showered and changed and then had lunch at a quaint little place (and the name escapes me) with the most delicious food. As I always seem to be, I was a bit paranoid about being "clocked" but Jayne yelled at me enough that I stopped mentioning it for a while. After lunch we stopped at Marshalls to do a little shopping (big mistake to take me shopping :-P) for Jayne but I think I ended up buying more than she did before we left. That was also the first time I had use the women's dressing room while out shopping. In the past when I went shopping with T* we tended to do one of three things: buy clothes in what we thought would be the right size and then return them if needed for different sizes, have T* try on clothes (worked well with pants since we wear the same size) to see how they fit before we bought them, or grabbed some clothes and go find a mens fitting room where I could hop in and try things on. Silly, no? So yeah, first time in a women's changing room and I was being my stupid quiet self while Jayne was chatting away in the room next to me and knocking on my door periodically to ask how things fit. I should have loosened up a bit more and enjoyed myself but it was still a great experience. After shopping (where I found some killer pinstripe pants) Jayne dropped me off at her place and went to do a few hours at work during which time I updated here. When she got back we decided to get a little girled up (little for me, lot for her hot self) and go get some dinner. We ended up settling on the olive garden which wasn't exactly super fancy but it was still fun and italian food is always a treat.

Thursday, December 23rd:
On Thursday we decided to buy some groceries so we had access to food through the holiday (always useful) so we wandered the aisles at one of the local markets where no less than 2 guys hit on Jayne. Hee hee. Eventually we found everything we were looking for and were on our way. Later on that day we went to a video place to rent some movies to watch (Jayne introduced me to Eddie Izzard, so funny) and then afterwards we got a chance to hang out with some of her friends from work which was a lot of fun. Just to be able to sit and talk with some random people that had no idea about my gender issues and didn't really care anyways was definitely good for me.

Friday, December 24th:
The only thing I remember about Christmas eve is cooking a yummy yummy dinner. Jayne and I made steak with onions and mushrooms and seasonings and added a beef based rice to the side. It was so good and we had a lot of fun just playing around in the kitchen. Jayne's going to have to fill in this gap in my memory. I'm drawing a blank on what we did the rest of the day. :-P

Saturday, December 25th:
Merry Christmas (if you celebrate)
We slept in fairly late on Christmas but I ended up getting a chance to chat with my fam which was nice. We had decided to take a drive in the mountains since not much else would be going on so we packed some stuff up and hopped in the car and were off. Jayne provided a very cool soundtrack for our trip full of Indie Rock along with a nice mix of more mainstream stuff (music I subsequently stole from her, lol) and we wound our way up and down the mountains for most of the morning. The views were completely amazing and NPR was fun. Eventually we came across Black Hawk Casino (don't ask me where that is) somewhere up in the mountains which is an indian run casino so it was definitely open on Christmas. In fact, it had it's own town to go with it which was open as well so we decided to stop and wander around a bit. We parked in a garage connected to one of the casinos (since it was free) and wandered in. Well of course they always check ID on anyone who looks semi-young so Jayne handed over her ID and then I gave the attendant mine. Unfortunately, because my license is from out of state it gets extra scrutiny in CO anyways so of course the guy looked it over and over which only made me more self-conscious (first person I had had to give my license to when out as myself, remembering that I haven't finished my name change nor changed the M to F) but we got through unscathed. We wandered a bit and eventually ended up in a little Irish restaurant where we got lunch and Jayne picked on me for ordering chicken fried steak (yes, I live in a trailerpark ok? :-P). The Casino was interesting and a nice place to wander a bit but neither one of us were gamblers so eventually we continued on our way and headed home. In the evening we went to the movies (Oh yeah! The movies are open on Christmas day!) and caught House of Flying Daggers which I thought was really good and reminded me a lot of Hero.

Sunday, December 26th:
On Sunday Jayne drove me around looking for a place to get my navel pierced but the places she had heard were good all ended up being closed. We did happen to come across one place that was open (though they hadn't planned to be) so I told her we had to stop because I wasn't sure I'd have the nerve to do it again if I passed up the opportunity. Inside I told the guy what I wanted and then of course we did the whole fun driver's license thing again. Plus, this time I had to sign my name and fill out consent forms which sucked but I managed. Getting the piercing put in is not as painful as I thought it would be and the guy who did it was really very cool about the whole thing and gave me his number to call if I had any problems with it. However, it did end up being sore for the next few days and rubbing it against things (like clothes or blankets) definitely made me wince, but I think it turned out nicely. Later that night we went to Denver to just see the city and go the clubs. That story will need an entry of it's own so keep an eye out for it soon.

Monday, December 27th:
On Monday we didn't do much other than hang out and recoup a little. We ordered some pizza in the morning and just sat around talking most of the day. Towards the evening I made Jayne take me to Best Buy so I could get a jumpdrive to steal some of her music with (verified music addict) and then we stopped to get some dinner for the last time while I was there. When we got home I packed and then we did our best to get some sleep since my flight left early in the morning but at 2:00 am we were both still up so we quit trying and watched White Oleander instead (which is an amazing movie).

Tuesday, December 28th:
We ended up awake right through the night and continued chatting as I finished packing and we got ready to go to the airport. It was depressing knowing that after spending a week as me, I had to go back home in boy mode and back to school as a guy, but it did help to harden my resolve to move to fulltime as soon as I'm able to. We said our goodbyes quickly and I was on my way home.

Thanx Jayne :-)

Dinner With The Ex Ex
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Black and Blue
This is slightly after the fact but I figured I'd just toss it in at the front end of my blog so people can find it easier. I finally got up the nerve to tell my ex ex girlfriend (ie. the one before T*) that I was transitioning which came as no surprise to her at all, lol. I was kinda hoping for a little shock value (don't ask me why) but all she said was, "I knew this was going to be happening soon." Now it's not like she's seen me in the last year or two so she hasn't seen my changes occurring and gotten suspicious so I was like "Wha?!?" She went on to explain that if anyone knew me it was her (we were together for a little more than 4 years, 1 of which we were engaged during) and she had been pretty sure even when we were dating that I would end up being transsexual. Go figure.

So we agreed to have dinner and catch up a bit on things. Unfortunately, after we broke up I was trying to figure out what to do with myself (before I had accepted the fact that I needed to transition to be happy) so I didn't bother to keep in touch with her much and when we did talk I tended to be a bit reserved and generally unresponsive. It wasn't that I didn't want to open up to her but I was in the process of pushing people away (consciously or not) so I wouldn't have to share my gender issues with them.

Dinner was just awesome. I was so upfront with her about everything and I felt like we connected again in a way we hadn't since we broke up. I told her all about my issues and my transition and what my plans for the future are and she told me about her work and filled me in on what I had been missing out on. We talked about all kinds of stuff too and it turns out we have the same favorite store to shop at and even own some of the same clothes (express pants, same style, same color, same size, lol). We talked a lot about guys too. She's dating a cutie these days and she picked on me endlessly about liking guys :-P

So all in all it was a great outcome and I've yet to lose anyone to the news that I'm transitioning (looks for wood to knock on). I told her I'd call her when I got back from the holidays and we agreed to hang out a lot more. Another good outcome, I'm definitely blessed.

Broadcasting Live From...Not NY
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: No Woman No Cry
So somehow I actually made it to winter break which means school hasn't gotten the best of me yet (though there were definitely some tricky times). I have an amazing 2 weeks of freedom now before I have to be back for more of the same so I'm doing my best to make the most of it. With that in mind I decided to take a whole week and head west to visit a good friend. So if you've seen me in the process of packing for the last few days on yahoo it's just because I hate being unprepared. I would have made a good girl scout :-P I'd give you a little bit more info but unfortunately as the number of people visiting my website increases so does the possibility of running into people who recognize me when I'm out and about. Therefore it's prolly not a great idea to discuss where I am until I've returned home, but suffice to say I'm having a great time. And to the few of you who do know where I've run off to, thanx for keeping the secret ;-) At any rate, I've gotten 3 hours of sleep in the last two and a half days so I'm going to take a quick power nap before a night of fun out. I should have a bit of time tomorrow to go back and fill you in on everything that's been going on as promised. See you then :-)

Momentary Lull
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Everybody's Got a Story
I think I'm going to stop apologizing for my abscences around here. It's not that I don't want to update regularly but rather my busy schedule gets in the way. And, since sporadic updates have become more the norm, there doesn't seem to be much reason to appologize for an everyday occurence (or not...occurrence, you know what i mean).

So much has happened since I last updated here and this one entry will never cover it all. I have notes written down and entries offline that are coming when I get a spare moment, but I'll try to give you a taste quickly here before I run for bed. I've been out all over the place with T* malls, stores, movies, dinner, etc. I went to get more laser in good ole' CA. Oh and speaking of T* we're definitely no longer together as a couple. I won't say it didn't hurt that we broke up but I know it was necessary and we're still the best of friends. I'll elaborate more on that later. What else? I came out to my ex ex (the one before T* who is now my current ex, still following?) and she's really cool about things, we're going to grab some dinner together later this week so I'll give you the scoop on that too. I finally got around to sending a letter to my dad (yeah I couldn't do it in person) so I'll update you on that. Oh and two nights ago I came out to my best guy friend. The one I've known since preschool and he was completely amazing in his reaction to it all.

Yeah, so much. Promise to put all these things into words and context very soon. I have a few days coming up at the beginning of next week so by then at the latest. Thanks to everyone who's been writing me and I'll be catching up on your emails too. Best holiday wishes to everyone, life is good.

;-)

Happy Halloween
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Lets Get It On
Ok, I guess I should never say that I'll get to all my email since it never happens. I ended up with another full inbox which I've half emptied. Sorry to those of you who have to wait a little longer. Promise to get there. In other news, T* and I went to see Ray last night and of course I went as me. We had a lot of fun and I'm starting to feel a bit more comfortable being myself in public so two thumbs up. The movie was good too, especially if you like the music. Well written and Jamie Foxx was amazing considering what I've seen him in before. I added some new photos too as a Halloween present ;-) Hope everyone had fun and stayed safe. I'll update again soon. B'bye for now.

When Does Safety Become A Crutch?
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: I Hate Everything About You
I'm a year and a half into my transition now (if you count from the first day I started hormone replacement therapy) and things have gone very well. Better in fact, than I had any reason to hope. I've had good results from both HRT and laser, I'm told I'm presentable (hard to see it for myself but it will come), I've been accepted by the limited number of people I've come out to, I have advice and guidance from people who have gone through all of this before me, I have a bright future with a good career and I have a loving, supportive roommate who has helped me all along the way. So why am I finding it so hard to continue moving ahead toward living fulltime? I have around 10 months until the date I had originally set to go fulltime and when I should be sprinting ahead towards the finish line I find my legs leaden and unmoving. What's holding me back? Friends I've had who were behind me transition wise have since caught up and gone fulltime as I plod along. I used to tell myself it was ok because I was going at my own pace and I had my own timeline to execute and that I shouldn't worry about how fast or slow others reach that same goal. Still, it's depressing to be passed up by all your peers. Granted school is slowing me down. All the girls I know who have passed me and gone fulltime are working part time jobs or struggling to build careers. None of them are (still) in school, but is that a reasonable excuse?

Don't misunderstand me. I have no desire whatsoever to go back the way I've come. I could never go back to that life. It's just that I'm wondering if I haven't found a safe stop along the way and latched on because it was comfortable enough to get by with. I mean when you compare the here and now with what I was struggling with before I started transitioning the difference is amazing. I'm infinitely happier now than I once was. But shouldn't I be pressing ahead to fulfill what I was headed towards all along? Presently I'm doing well in school and people generally like me. Even though I may look a little on the odd side (presenting as a guy) people warm up to me quickly and I'm definitely enjoying myself. Plus, I get to be myself most of the time I'm home. I can't remember the last time I wore casual guy clothes. So is it this safety of having my privacy (concerning my gender issues) and still being able to be myself for a decent amount of the day that's given me pause? Is it because while the distant future looks so secure, the immediate future (ie. the time surrounding my coming out at school) is full of uncertainty and doubt. Not to mention the fear of rejection by my classmates. Is it because with fulltime inching closer daily, the facts concerning what I'm about to do have suddenly become crystal clear causing me to hesitate while I take it all in? Wish I had the right answers. Perhaps it's something else entirely.

Share your thoughts if you'd like...
I'll let you know if I come up with a good explanation.

Update
Mood:  happy
Ok so if this format looks odd...it's because it is. I've been having problems with my coding as far as the comments page goes (ie. you couldn't enter them and just got an error) so I've reverted my blog to "safe mode". If it works properly you should be able to start entering your comments again. Sorry about the long wait for these changes. Diagnosing coding problems when you have little to no computer literacy is a bit time consuming. Anyways, as I said somewhere previously, I have a few past entries that I'm going to retroactively enter. I'll be sure to link to those in the left hand column so you don't miss out if you've been reading all along (are there any of you out there?). At any rate, thanx for your patience again. I'll be more active, just cross your fingers.

;-)

Email And Then Some...
Mood:  rushed
Now Playing: Childhood Dreams
Ok so I had a few hours free and somehow I was able to catch up on just about all my email. My inbox had over 700 emails when I started so you do the math :-P I also got around to updating my guest book for everyone who was wondering where their entry disappeared to. Honest, that form doesn't lead to the abyss or the circular file. Must run back to school but I'll be back soon to add a real entry here. Lots going on lately but my free time has been mostly too limited to blog. Thanks everyone for being patient.

New Ideas...
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: Fan
Ok I've come up with a plan, plus new rules for my website. From now on I'll post updates on weekends (weekdays time allowing) and also answer emails at the same time. Although, I don't have much spare time during the week or on the weekends, I can generally spare at least a few minutes Saturday or Sunday. So, if you send me an email then chances are you should hear from me by the weekend. At least that way people have some idea of what to expect rather than typing off a message and sending it into the void that has been my inbox for the last 3 months or so. My apologies to all.

I realize that my comments aren't working correctly anymore and I'm working hard on fixing that. Unfortunately, I'm no computer whiz so it's prolly going to take time (unless one of you has a brilliant answer for me). Things should be back up and running semi-normally soon though.

As a final item of business, I did add a few more photos here. Sadly, they aren't the most recent but they are from the last few months. Random shots that slipped through the cracks. Hope you find them up to par. I'll prolly write more tomorrow or Sunday. Until then...