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January 12th, 2004

9" of snow overnight. Buffalo winter is officially here.

Each day that passes I'm coming more and more to the realization that I may infact turn out to be a hetero girl afterall. I know I touched on this a little in the past but it's been on my mind a lot lately.

For the record, where did I start?
Prior to transition and for the first 22 odd years of my life, I was your everyday hetero boy. I was attracted to girls, I dated girls (several actually), and was even engaged to one at one point. I'd like to think that I was fairly straight forward with my sexuality and really didn't have any hang ups (read: I wasn't repressing any homosexuality). In fact, at one point, I tried to convince myself that I was just gay and not really ts. Let's be honest, it would have been a lot easier to deal with. I can't say I ever tried to have a relationship with a guy as a guy, but then that's because the idea of such a union just wasn't appealing to me. I wasn't interested in a relationship that was exclusively male. Why is that? Good question. Especially when you consider the fact that I'm starting to lean towards boys in recent months. I've read a lot of other peoples thoughts on the matter and chatted with a bunch of other women who have had the same experiences and it seems to boil down to one (or some combination) of several possibilities. Those being:

1. I was really a gay male all along, but was attracted most specifically to straight men. If this were the case then my pursuit in life would be to trick men into believing I was and always had been female (thank you Bailey-Blanchard-Lawrence for that sick pathological dichotomy and if you're ts and have no idea what I'm talking about then WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!?). Let's be realistic about this. If it were really true, what would have been the point of the (fulfilling and rewarding) relationships I had with women in my past? And wouldn't I have felt some attraction to men before I decided to transition? I'd like to think I've been mostly honest and upfront with myself through the years so this theory seems to fall a bit short (while seeming ridiculous and fantastical at the same time, how quaint).

2. I was so convinced that the path I had to follow was male that I never allowed my true feelings to bloom. Is that possible? Maybe. It's true that when I was younger (before I knew what transsexual meant) I did a lot of boy things simply because I was a boy. I wanted to be a girl but what did that matter? I didn't realize that it was possible to change one's sex until it slapped me in the face surfing the internet one day (yes, all my important education occurred on electronic medium). So I suppose it's possible that I always liked boys but just dismissed it as something that "wasn't proper" for a boy. It might be linked in some small way, but as I said, I tried approaching the idea of dating guys later on down the road, but it wasn't for me. Actually, in total contrast to this, one of the reasons I held off on transitioning (one of the many and basically silly ones) was because I couldn't imagine myself being attracted to men after I finished transitioning and I was worried that it would be difficult to find a lesbian woman who was accepting of my past.

3. I was a hetero male before transitioning, but some force (hormone replacement therapy, mental adjustments, social convention, etc.) acted upon me to change my attraction from women to men. Possibly, especially considering that the first perceived shifts in my attraction began shortly after I decided to transition and started HRT, but I'd like to believe (falsely or otherwise) that my attractions are more than the sum of the hormones coursing through my veins at any moment. I also don't think I can chalk it up to social norms pressuring me to conform. Let's be real people, I'm a transsexual, being lesbian transsexual prolly wouldn't alienate me to any greater degree :-P So do these things play a part? I'd have to say their influences (if any) are probably fairly minimal.

4. I knew all along (in some form) that I was a girl and so to escape my reality and to fulfill my desire for a hetero relationship (assuming I was a hetero female in a male body), I dated women to live vicariously through them by projecting my self image onto them. While that is a possibility and one that other women claim was their reason for dating women prior to transition, I'd hope that my motivations for dating the people I did were better directed. whatever the case, this kind of existence to me appears almost parasitic in nature and therefore would be wholly unsatisfying. I admit that envy was mixed with my love for women in my past but I never dated anyone to be them.

5. I was hetero girl (mentally) before transitioning, but the closest I could get to a hetero relationship in that state was to be with a woman thereby eliminating the male/male equation. This would suggest that I was attempting to attain a normal relationship (in a skewed sense) by reversing the roles. Hence, as I get closer and closer to becoming the female I was always meant to be, I can still maintain the female presence in my relationships and consequently maintain the male/female dynamic of a hetero union by dating men instead of women. I'm not sure where this idea originated but let me give credit where it's due. I first read it on Kate's site. Whether she got it from somewhere else I can't say. At any rate, it's this idea I think that comes the closest to explaining the reasons why my attraction has begun to shift (and may end up further down the spectrum in the end).

Where am I now?
Hard to say. Somewhere in between. I have to say, cute boys turn my head these days. And, more often than not, girls get my attention because of their fashion sense or their gracefulness or their poise rather than their form. I was speaking with another woman the other day who has traveled a similar path. I suppose she's one of my ts mentors (if such things exist). She's of the mind that if my tastes are changing now, I have no chance of being a lesbian by the time I'm done. Time will be the judge I guess.

"Self-revelation is a cruel process. The real picture, the real 'you' never emerges. Looking for it is as bewildering as trying to know how you really look. Ten different mirrors show you ten different faces."

--Shashi Deshpande


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