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November 29th, 2003

Sometimes things are just so right in the world...

It's 12:37. I woke up a few minutes ago in my chair, at the computer. I spent the day chatting on webcam with a friend online that I've become amazingly close to considering the medium involved. She must have let me fall asleep, I've been so tired lately and she's such a good friend. I'm not sure if it was the long exam I passed and the stress relief from that being gone, being worn out from the holiday yesterday, or just the fact that I felt so safe, so secure, so...so at ease that I could let go of my worries and just slip away. Like I said, she's a special person. I wonder if she watched me sleeping... ;-) I get so much from just being close to other people that understand what being transsexual means without ever needing an explanation. It's like being able to take off the label for awhile, to have a chance to just chat with another girl. Very soothing.

Thanksgiving came and went. I visited the family, though I told myself before hand that I probably wouldn't. As my transition moves along, things get more difficult with the 'rents. Got a lot of "You need to cut your hair, it's too long." "Why are your nails so long, don't you think they're too long?" and "Did you put on nail polish, they look too shiny." Not that I expected much different. Overall, it wasn't as bad as it could have been and I really want to keep in touch with my family even though some of them are becoming difficult. It would be so easy to just say I'm not going to invest anything emotionally anymore with them, wipe my hands clean and walk away. Meh.

I was looking at pictures of me from the past the other day. From the end of highschool, from college and from grad school (before I started transitioning) and I'm starting to realize that hormones are starting to make a big difference. And no, you can't see them. Sorry. It's amazing how gradual things change. You don't even notice it until you look like a completely different person. It's getting harder to look in the mirror and see the boy I once was. The real me is showing through more with each passing day and it seems only a matter of time before it's going to become difficult to hide it at school. It's really sad I wasn't able to get through these issues earlier and start transition while I was still an undergrad student. Everything would have gone so much smoother. To think, I could be the woman I'm supposed to be already. *Sigh*

K, I'm still really worn out so it's off to bed for me. Hope you all had a wonderful holiday. Be good to each other.

"All i want is to feel this way
To be this close, to feel the same
All i want is to feel this way
The evening speaks, i feel it say...

Nothing's so cold
As closing the heart when all we need
Is to free the soul
But we wouldn't be that brave i know
And the air outside so soft, confessing everything
Everything

And it won't matter now
Whatever happens to me
Though the air speaks of all we'll never be
It won't trouble me

And it feels so close
Let it take me in
Let it hold me so
I can feel it say..."

--Toad the Wet Sprocket


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