Dinner With The Ex Ex
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Black and Blue
This is slightly after the fact but I figured I'd just toss it in at the front end of my blog so people can find it easier. I finally got up the nerve to tell my ex ex girlfriend (ie. the one before T*) that I was transitioning which came as no surprise to her at all, lol. I was kinda hoping for a little shock value (don't ask me why) but all she said was, "I knew this was going to be happening soon." Now it's not like she's seen me in the last year or two so she hasn't seen my changes occurring and gotten suspicious so I was like "Wha?!?" She went on to explain that if anyone knew me it was her (we were together for a little more than 4 years, 1 of which we were engaged during) and she had been pretty sure even when we were dating that I would end up being transsexual. Go figure.

So we agreed to have dinner and catch up a bit on things. Unfortunately, after we broke up I was trying to figure out what to do with myself (before I had accepted the fact that I needed to transition to be happy) so I didn't bother to keep in touch with her much and when we did talk I tended to be a bit reserved and generally unresponsive. It wasn't that I didn't want to open up to her but I was in the process of pushing people away (consciously or not) so I wouldn't have to share my gender issues with them.

Dinner was just awesome. I was so upfront with her about everything and I felt like we connected again in a way we hadn't since we broke up. I told her all about my issues and my transition and what my plans for the future are and she told me about her work and filled me in on what I had been missing out on. We talked about all kinds of stuff too and it turns out we have the same favorite store to shop at and even own some of the same clothes (express pants, same style, same color, same size, lol). We talked a lot about guys too. She's dating a cutie these days and she picked on me endlessly about liking guys :-P

So all in all it was a great outcome and I've yet to lose anyone to the news that I'm transitioning (looks for wood to knock on). I told her I'd call her when I got back from the holidays and we agreed to hang out a lot more. Another good outcome, I'm definitely blessed.

Broadcasting Live From...Not NY
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: No Woman No Cry
So somehow I actually made it to winter break which means school hasn't gotten the best of me yet (though there were definitely some tricky times). I have an amazing 2 weeks of freedom now before I have to be back for more of the same so I'm doing my best to make the most of it. With that in mind I decided to take a whole week and head west to visit a good friend. So if you've seen me in the process of packing for the last few days on yahoo it's just because I hate being unprepared. I would have made a good girl scout :-P I'd give you a little bit more info but unfortunately as the number of people visiting my website increases so does the possibility of running into people who recognize me when I'm out and about. Therefore it's prolly not a great idea to discuss where I am until I've returned home, but suffice to say I'm having a great time. And to the few of you who do know where I've run off to, thanx for keeping the secret ;-) At any rate, I've gotten 3 hours of sleep in the last two and a half days so I'm going to take a quick power nap before a night of fun out. I should have a bit of time tomorrow to go back and fill you in on everything that's been going on as promised. See you then :-)

Momentary Lull
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Everybody's Got a Story
I think I'm going to stop apologizing for my abscences around here. It's not that I don't want to update regularly but rather my busy schedule gets in the way. And, since sporadic updates have become more the norm, there doesn't seem to be much reason to appologize for an everyday occurence (or not...occurrence, you know what i mean).

So much has happened since I last updated here and this one entry will never cover it all. I have notes written down and entries offline that are coming when I get a spare moment, but I'll try to give you a taste quickly here before I run for bed. I've been out all over the place with T* malls, stores, movies, dinner, etc. I went to get more laser in good ole' CA. Oh and speaking of T* we're definitely no longer together as a couple. I won't say it didn't hurt that we broke up but I know it was necessary and we're still the best of friends. I'll elaborate more on that later. What else? I came out to my ex ex (the one before T* who is now my current ex, still following?) and she's really cool about things, we're going to grab some dinner together later this week so I'll give you the scoop on that too. I finally got around to sending a letter to my dad (yeah I couldn't do it in person) so I'll update you on that. Oh and two nights ago I came out to my best guy friend. The one I've known since preschool and he was completely amazing in his reaction to it all.

Yeah, so much. Promise to put all these things into words and context very soon. I have a few days coming up at the beginning of next week so by then at the latest. Thanks to everyone who's been writing me and I'll be catching up on your emails too. Best holiday wishes to everyone, life is good.

;-)

Happy Halloween
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Lets Get It On
Ok, I guess I should never say that I'll get to all my email since it never happens. I ended up with another full inbox which I've half emptied. Sorry to those of you who have to wait a little longer. Promise to get there. In other news, T* and I went to see Ray last night and of course I went as me. We had a lot of fun and I'm starting to feel a bit more comfortable being myself in public so two thumbs up. The movie was good too, especially if you like the music. Well written and Jamie Foxx was amazing considering what I've seen him in before. I added some new photos too as a Halloween present ;-) Hope everyone had fun and stayed safe. I'll update again soon. B'bye for now.

When Does Safety Become A Crutch?
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: I Hate Everything About You
I'm a year and a half into my transition now (if you count from the first day I started hormone replacement therapy) and things have gone very well. Better in fact, than I had any reason to hope. I've had good results from both HRT and laser, I'm told I'm presentable (hard to see it for myself but it will come), I've been accepted by the limited number of people I've come out to, I have advice and guidance from people who have gone through all of this before me, I have a bright future with a good career and I have a loving, supportive roommate who has helped me all along the way. So why am I finding it so hard to continue moving ahead toward living fulltime? I have around 10 months until the date I had originally set to go fulltime and when I should be sprinting ahead towards the finish line I find my legs leaden and unmoving. What's holding me back? Friends I've had who were behind me transition wise have since caught up and gone fulltime as I plod along. I used to tell myself it was ok because I was going at my own pace and I had my own timeline to execute and that I shouldn't worry about how fast or slow others reach that same goal. Still, it's depressing to be passed up by all your peers. Granted school is slowing me down. All the girls I know who have passed me and gone fulltime are working part time jobs or struggling to build careers. None of them are (still) in school, but is that a reasonable excuse?

Don't misunderstand me. I have no desire whatsoever to go back the way I've come. I could never go back to that life. It's just that I'm wondering if I haven't found a safe stop along the way and latched on because it was comfortable enough to get by with. I mean when you compare the here and now with what I was struggling with before I started transitioning the difference is amazing. I'm infinitely happier now than I once was. But shouldn't I be pressing ahead to fulfill what I was headed towards all along? Presently I'm doing well in school and people generally like me. Even though I may look a little on the odd side (presenting as a guy) people warm up to me quickly and I'm definitely enjoying myself. Plus, I get to be myself most of the time I'm home. I can't remember the last time I wore casual guy clothes. So is it this safety of having my privacy (concerning my gender issues) and still being able to be myself for a decent amount of the day that's given me pause? Is it because while the distant future looks so secure, the immediate future (ie. the time surrounding my coming out at school) is full of uncertainty and doubt. Not to mention the fear of rejection by my classmates. Is it because with fulltime inching closer daily, the facts concerning what I'm about to do have suddenly become crystal clear causing me to hesitate while I take it all in? Wish I had the right answers. Perhaps it's something else entirely.

Share your thoughts if you'd like...
I'll let you know if I come up with a good explanation.

Update
Mood:  happy
Ok so if this format looks odd...it's because it is. I've been having problems with my coding as far as the comments page goes (ie. you couldn't enter them and just got an error) so I've reverted my blog to "safe mode". If it works properly you should be able to start entering your comments again. Sorry about the long wait for these changes. Diagnosing coding problems when you have little to no computer literacy is a bit time consuming. Anyways, as I said somewhere previously, I have a few past entries that I'm going to retroactively enter. I'll be sure to link to those in the left hand column so you don't miss out if you've been reading all along (are there any of you out there?). At any rate, thanx for your patience again. I'll be more active, just cross your fingers.

;-)

Email And Then Some...
Mood:  rushed
Now Playing: Childhood Dreams
Ok so I had a few hours free and somehow I was able to catch up on just about all my email. My inbox had over 700 emails when I started so you do the math :-P I also got around to updating my guest book for everyone who was wondering where their entry disappeared to. Honest, that form doesn't lead to the abyss or the circular file. Must run back to school but I'll be back soon to add a real entry here. Lots going on lately but my free time has been mostly too limited to blog. Thanks everyone for being patient.

New Ideas...
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: Fan
Ok I've come up with a plan, plus new rules for my website. From now on I'll post updates on weekends (weekdays time allowing) and also answer emails at the same time. Although, I don't have much spare time during the week or on the weekends, I can generally spare at least a few minutes Saturday or Sunday. So, if you send me an email then chances are you should hear from me by the weekend. At least that way people have some idea of what to expect rather than typing off a message and sending it into the void that has been my inbox for the last 3 months or so. My apologies to all.

I realize that my comments aren't working correctly anymore and I'm working hard on fixing that. Unfortunately, I'm no computer whiz so it's prolly going to take time (unless one of you has a brilliant answer for me). Things should be back up and running semi-normally soon though.

As a final item of business, I did add a few more photos here. Sadly, they aren't the most recent but they are from the last few months. Random shots that slipped through the cracks. Hope you find them up to par. I'll prolly write more tomorrow or Sunday. Until then...

Plugging Away
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: She Will Be Loved
I haven't been making enough time for my webpage. I could give you the sob story about how busy I've been but if you've been following my website you already know. I'll spare you. So much has happened in the last month or so. I'm actually putting in some older entries that I wrote out by hand when I had a free moment but couldn't get to a computer. I'll be sure to point out which entries those are in case you're curious to go back and see what's been going on.

As far as transition goes, not much has happened of note. I've reached around 18-19 months of HRT (and I really do plan to update that section too), but changes are very slow these days. Most of my major advances are behind me. I still haven't done any better in the "coming out to family" category. I have the letter for my dad but still haven't slipped it in the mail. Maybe I'm afraid that will make my transition that much more real. Point of no return? Not sure why that would bother me though. I have no desire to go back, never did. However, I do find that the further along I get, the less pressure I feel to speed through everything. Not sure if that makes sense but it's the truth.

So anyways, have patience with me. I'm doing what I can and I'll keep at it. I haven't given up on this website yet and I don't intend to.

;-)

Busy Busy Busy
Mood:  rushed
Sorry to everyone who's stopped by and wondered where I went. I promise to be around to make some needed additions in the next few days or so. Thanks for being patient. Life is so busy.