Happy Belated St. Patrick's Day
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: NCAA Tournament
I hope everyone had a great St. Patrick's day yesterday and remembered to wear green. I went out with some friends from school to a little irish pub that happens to have Guiness on tap. If you've never had, you're missing out. So that's why I played hookey from school today, I was recovering.

The Pictures Came Back
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Adia
Yeah, my face finally healed up enough from laser to take some more photos. And before you start flaming me about how all my pictures are taken from the same point of view, it's not my fault. There's only so much a $40 webcam can do for you. The farther I get away from it the more blurry and washed out the photos get. I refer you to this pic for an example. Those are just the breaks. But wow, I really love the color my hair turned out in those. Honestly, it's not entirely accurate (another artifact of my cheap webcam probably). My hair definitely has some strong red highlights but only in bright light. Normally I'm just your regular old brunette. Still, I'd consider dying it to match as I think that color looks really good, but I'm not sure T* would approve. 2 redheads might be too many :-P

The shirt in the picture is something I picked up while shopping with T* last week. I totally love it, it's a great little button down and it fits beautifully :-) Plus, if you look close you can see my ring of power, lol. Ok, not exactly. It's something of T*'s I've been wearing but I got scared it would fall off in the shower so I put it on a chain. Much safer.

Got to see both my sibs this weekend. Took 9 hours of driving on my part for it to work out (all in one day!) but it was worth it. I was kind of considering "disclosing" to them but it didn't work out. Too many people around who didn't need to know right away/ever. Still, it was really good to see them both at once again. :-)

That's the quick recap. No more time to type now. Classes are back and running full speed already. Later.

#2
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: Can't Change Me
Someone shoot me, I just lost the entire entry I typed. OMFG. It's not the first time either. My mind has been on vacation lately too I guess. So if what follows is garbage then just realize that the one I erased was a literary work of genius :-P

Yesterday I was reminded again that Estrogen is running my life at the moment. T* and I decided to order out last night, but when everything arrived it turned out that they got all my food wrong. So while I pouted T* called them and had them charge back our order, but they said it would take them at least an hour to get everything redelivered to us. I told T* not to worry about it and to eat her food before it got cold, and then proceeded to burst out into tears. Yup, over food. Of course T* got worried and asked me what was wrong (because honestly, who cries over food, right?) to which I didn't have an answer. So yeah, I've been way over emotional lately. I blame the wrench I tossed into my endocrine system 11 months ago. Hopefully I'll be able to get a handle on this sort of thing soon.

It's been just over 2 weeks now since my first laser treatment and I think it's turned out really well. Although I never got complete clearance, a lot came out and regrowth has been sparse and slow. Hair along the temples and cheeks seemed to respond best (makes sense, it was the thinnest there) while a few spots along the jaw line and on the neck could use a little more work. I'm planning on heading back for my second "burning" in about 2 weeks (as per the instructions of my laser tech). Keep your fingers crossed that things keep going in the right direction. :-)

My brother flew in from Texas today and tomorrow we're driving downstate to visit my sister. It will be the first time in about 3 or 4 years that all three of us have been together at once. It would be nice if I could muster up the courage to tell them what's been going on in my life, but that's not going to happen. Should be fun though.

So nothing startling or exciting. Stay tuned for the next few months when my life falls apart during disclosure and the subsequent work I have to do with my school to go full-time. It should make for an interesting episode or two.

"Open your arms to the lonely shine
Lonesome as gold in a poor man's smile
See how the moon is full, follow the push and pull
Follow the ebb and flow in the breathing tide,
Come on moonchild you're so far away tonight
The door is falling open and we're flying wild
Cat on the road, down in the living night
See how the black dog grins in the diamond light,
We're dreaming and we're real,
We're broken and we're healed
Give in to what you feel over what you see
Come on moonchild, you're so far away tonight
The door is falling open and we're flying wild,
Come on moon flower, you're so far away from now
You could bloom forever in the hour..."

--Chris Cornell

Pondering Disclosure...
Mood:  not sure
Whether it comes up often here in my blog or not, my "disclosure" to my family has been at the front of my mind for the last 2 months or so. I've done my research, poured over countless other letters and descriptions of the deed from others who went before me, but every time I sit down and type out those first few lines my mind throws up a mental road block. How do you tell parents that the son that they brag about to their friends and family is dead? How do you tell them that the child they raised was miserable throughout her childhood? How do you put to words something that will turn their world upside down?

"Mom, Dad, I need you to take a deep breath. What you're about to read may be difficult, but please do your best to consider what I have to say carefully and take some time to reflect on it before reacting..."

And that's about as far as I get. In reality, my parents are divorced, have been for years. Why do I keep starting my letter addressing both of them at once?

"I have a condition I've been dealing with all my life. In fact I've been seeing professionals about it on and off for the last 6 years now."

Yes, your child is crazy.

"I know it may be hard for you to understand but this is something that I've kept from friends, from family and even from myself to some extent. It's taken me more than two decades to come to grips with my issues and take some positive steps to resolve them."

Yes, your child is a liar.

"I suffer from a condition called Gender Identity Disorder. In layman's terms people with this medical issue are referred to as transsexual."

Yes, your child is a freak.

"Please understand that admitting that to myself was one of the most difficult things I've had to do in my entire life, second only to writing this letter.

What does all this mean? It means that all my life I've been trying to be something I wasn't. That I've been building a fake persona for the outside world while living a very different life privately. That I identified as a female even as puberty drove home the point that on the outside, I was anything but. Eventually that divide between my internal gender and my external biology started to destroy my life. It came to the point where I had to decide whether I would sink or swim. At times, I felt like I was going down like a rock, but in the end I've decided to put all the effort I can into keeping my head above water. It's a struggle, but I'm coming out on top."

Yes, your child has considered suicide.

"Changing my gender means that I will be risking the loss of friends and putting job security in my future career in jeopardy. That I will lose certain protections in the eyes of the law and that people who know about my past will likely treat me differently. I'm not asking for your understanding or approval in this, but I want to be up front with you and I hope that one day you'll be able to accept me for who I am regardless. Whether the child you knew was a carefully constructed facade or not, my love for you has always been true, and I don't want you to feel that this has come about through some fault of yours."

Yes, your child will be a source of shame.

"So where do things go from here? As I've said, I will continue to seek therapy for my condition. This will include hormone therapy, changing the way I look in certain ways to match my gender identity, changing my name and other records and eventually assuming a new role as a woman. I am currently in the process of clearing all of this at school to ensure that things proceed smoothly. Please believe me when I say that I am moving ahead with this. It's something that I need to do for myself to bring my life back together and to be happy in the future. I know you'll have many questions that you may want addressed and I will do my best to be open and forthcoming with my experiences and my expectations.

With Love,
--"

Yes, your child is dead, but you have another child that you never knew about. You have the opportunity to be involved in her life and to share in her struggles, in her triumphs and especially in her love.

Still a lot of work to do here. I'm amazed I got that much down. Thanks for listening.

Shopping Success
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Absolutely (Story of a Girl)
How lazy can one person get? I seem to update more when I'm not on break. Meh, can you blame a girl for taking a few days off? Of course you didn't spend 7 hours yesterday reading about pharmacology did you? Guess we're even then :-P

So T* and I went to the mall yesterday. It was quite simply, awesome :-) We went downtown and wandered through the one with several floors. So much fun. The plan was to hit mostly department stores that catered to men and women. More space, fewer sales associates and fewer shoppers per square foot. It was the first time I could walk through the juniors department and just basically browse rather than keeping my eyes on the floor to avoid eye contact. *Sigh* I want to go back!! At first T* felt a little odd, but once we'd stopped at the first store she fell right into it. A good time was had by all :-)

I ended up finding several pairs of pants and tops (no skirts for me thanx). I had planned on getting some professional stuff too considering that I'll need them in the future, but there was just too much old lady stuff at the department stores, lol. Once I get a bit more confidence we'll head back and stop at places like Banana Republic for the professional stuff.

So after a long afternoon of shopping we stopped off at a little Italian place for dinner. Perfect day...

Free at Last
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Banditos
Ah, the sweet joy of being on break. School has been ruling my life lately so a few days off is like heaven. Spent a great night with T* yesterday polishing off some wine, curled up on her couch and just chatting. It's amazing to have someone here who knows what's going on in my life and is overflowing with support. I really didn't know what I was missing out on before. It seems to have taken a lot of weight off my shoulders. Can't say enough good things about her.

T* and I are headed out shopping next week. She thinks it would probably be good for me to start building up a decent wardrobe of casual and business clothes so she offered to help. My actual plans (as far as a timeline) at the moment are to go full-time by next summer so I suppose I should get moving on some of this stuff. I really want to have most of the difficult things done and to be living my life before I finish up with school so that when I head out into the "real world" (cough cough :-P) I don't have to worry about transitioning on the job. Plus it will give me a background as a woman (from my school records) that will make it that much easier to get employment, etc. without questions being asked.

So now it's just over a week since I had my first laser treatment. Where do things stand? Although everything hasn't fallen out yet, there are some definite improvements so far. For the most part, I haven't really had any growth since last Friday except in a few minor spots. Plus, if you look closely, there are already a lot of smooth spots starting to show up. Every morning after scrubbing my face with a loofa, more comes out. According to the paperwork they gave me at the clinic, I can expect to continue seeing improvements for up to 3 weeks after a treatment. I guess it takes a while for some of the follicles to work their way out. At any rate, the test strip I had done didn't completely clean up until around 2 weeks after it was treated so I'm hoping to see more improvements in this next week. Promise to keep you all posted.

I'm headed out to catch an acoustic group playing at a coffee house here with an old friend from highschool. Until next time.

Almost There
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Drive
Ok, quick update here. Just got back from clinic. Great day :-) Had all the answers the attending was looking for and then some. Makes it hard to stop smiling. Sorry I'm in and out here, big exam on Friday and then Spring break. :-D So maybe that's why I'm smiling too. Not that it will be much of a break. I'll be cramming for my summer exam. *Sigh* so much to do...

Still healing a bit from my laser. Nothing too noticeable but it will take a little time for the skin to be completely happy again. The results already look promising. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Ok, so now my sister may be getting hitched up here instead of in Florida. Sheesh, hard to keep up. It would be a bit easier on my pockets though. Plus I'd save more time that I could be spending studying this summer.

Yeah, that was all over the place. My thoughts are a bit scattered. I'll do a better job next time. Promise ;-)

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear,
And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear,
Take the wheel and steer...
It's driven me before,
And it seems to have a vague,
haunting mass appeal...
But lately I'm beginning to find
That I should be the one behind the wheel.

Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?

--Incubus

The Aftermath...
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Crash
So how did laser go?

Had a nice relaxing drive up to Canada with T*, but I couldn't help getting a little nervous about 15 minutes out from the clinic. Not about what I was about to do (facial hair sux), but I was a little worried about the effects and outcome and just a tiny bit about how painful it might be. It would be bad to have to go back to school with a completely fried face on Monday (hence my Friday sessions). I took 800 mg of Ibuprofen in the hour before my treatment but really can't comment on whether it helped with the pain or not as I have no real reference.

It turns out that I was the last patient of the day so the laser tech took me right in when we got there. Filled out some quick paperwork saying I understood the possible risks involved, slipped on some goggles and laid back on the table. The tech set the laser slightly lower than what it was for my test patch (23 joules vs. 25 two weeks ago) and got to work. She started up on the temple near the ear and I remember after the first few pulses thinking that this wasn't going to be too bad at all. LOL. Understand that the pain from the laser is directly proportional to the density of the hair follicles in the area being treated. Plus a few areas (upper lip, chin, jaw line) are a bit more sensitive than others to begin with. By the time she started the third row down my eyes were watering. Some people described laser to me as a hot, burning sensation but for me it was more like being jabbed with needles. Thankfully, the pain disappears almost immediately after the laser pulse, but I could feel my face starting to get a bit raw as she moved along. Between the freezing cold tip of the laser (which was definitely a good thing) and the laser pulses, I kept flinching a little when she put the gun against my face. She must have asked me 8 or 10 times if I wanted her to turn down the setting, but it was more from my nerves than the pain so I told her to burn away ;-)

To be honest, overall the pain wasn't too bad, but it definitely had it's moments. She finished the first half of my face, applied some clear aloe gel and let me sit for a minute which helped a lot. I'd have to say the worst area was the upper lip. That took some teeth clenching to get through, but it was quick. Everything included, the treatment only took about 30 or 40 minutes. When we finished I felt better than I had expected, paid and tipped the laser tech (not sure if a tip is customary but the low cost of the session made it easy to part with) and we were back on our way home. I was a tiny bit swollen but a whole lot less red than I had expected.

All in all, I think the experience was really good and as I type this now (about 36 hours later), my face has healed up very well. The swelling is gone and most of the red marks have disappeared. There are a few spots where I bled a little from hair follicles but everything is starting to clean up nicely. Just in time for school tomorrow morning. As far as how well the laser worked, it's still hard to tell at this point. The killed follicles don't all fall out immediately and not everything that comes out will be permanently destroyed, but I'm optimistic. The test patch looks really good right now so I'm hoping in the next week or so there will be a lot of change. I was told to come back in about 4 weeks or contact them sooner if I have a lot of regrowth. Their guess was that I would need around 4 sessions total which sounds good. Some websites suggest that it may take up to 10 treatments which seems a bit on the high side. We'll see.

So I guess that's about it. Leave me a message here if I didn't cover something you were interested about. Lots to do today. Catch you all later.

Did I mention how crazy people drive on the QEW? Good grief.

More Useless News
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: August and Everything After (yes, the song does exist)
Laser has been confirmed for Friday. I was looking at the test patch this morning that I had done and realized there's a huge difference between that little strip and the rest of my face. It's very obvious where I had it done, lucky it's to one side and not very noticeable, especially because I wear my hair down mostly so it doesn't show. I'm probably going to add a section somewhere here that will talk about my experience with laser including the technical specs and costs involved. Maybe if I'm really stupid I'll add some photos so you can see how well things went. And I know, I said I wouldn't. We'll see.

I just had an amazing chicken caesar salad for lunch and I'm still floating, lol. Amazing how something as simple as a yummy meal can put me in a good mood. Speaking of salad, I'm finally getting back into my "diet". Things have been so busy for the last few months that I've been grabbing food on the go. Definitely a no no. I haven't gained any of the poundage back that I took off (see my changes on HRT), but I haven't been getting anywhere for a while. So I'm focusing a little more. See if that helps.

Only one more week of school until spring break. Can't come soon enough as far as I'm concerned. No fun trips this year though. Too much studying to do. It'll be nice to not be getting up at 5:00 am for a change at least. Sadly, this will be my last spring break. *Sigh* We all have to grow up sometime.

So how was it?
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Staring at the Sun
To everyone who attended V-Day in L.A. Would someone tell me how it went? Are you all still sleeping off the effects of the after party? Sheesh. For us poor types who couldn't attend, you owe us at least a quick description. :-P

Right, so I'm setting up my first full laser treatment for this Friday afternoon (space allowing). I'm completely excited! Is it wrong to wish for miracles and hope to have a mostly clear face after 3 or 4 sessions? Meh, I'll keep rubbing the 8-ball till it tells me what I want to hear. I'm a little nervous about the possible pain. Even though the test patch didn't really hurt much, doing the whole face will definitely be a different story. Plus, I've heard conflicting reports from others who've had laser from "It wasn't too bad" to "It's like being burned all over the face with a lighter". Yikes. To be honest though, assuming it works, any pain necessary will be worth it. Hair-free has a wonderful sound to it.

Right, well you're all a bunch of sticks in the mud who don't comment here. :-P Have I shamed you into posting yet? I'll keep trying.

I was reflecting on my past last night. Ever look back on a situation or an event and wonder what made you make the decisions you did at the time? Ever have a memory that was so strong, so pure, so beautiful all by itself that you wanted to freeze it in time and return to that moment?

"I step off the train,
I'm walking down your street again,
And passed your door,
But you don't live there any more.
It's years since you've been there.
Now you've disappeared somewhere
Like outer space,
You've found some better place,
And I miss you..."

--Everything But The Girl