One More Year Behind Me
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: One More Time
I had my last exam in the classroom today. From now on I'll be graded in the field like a journey(wo)man. Lots of studying to do all summer for my exam in July. Books, books, books.

Just got back from setting up. I have to present my research again tomorrow one last time. By now I basically have the data and most of the paper itself memorized. I ran into a bit of a kink today. Needed to transport a display board that was 60" x 40" in my little mustang. Too wide to go through the trunk, too thick to fold in half. Somehow I managed to squeeze it into the passenger space and slide it into the back window. I only drove about 15 miles with it completely obscuring my rear view :-P Luckily it was raining so the coppers I passed didn't give me much more than a funny look.

Wish I could write a bit more but I need to run. I'll catch up tomorrow. Maybe some new pics this weekend too. We'll see. For everyone who didn't read it before I'm getting my ears pierced on Tuesday and I'm still really excited :-D

TGIF

Mirror Mirror
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: My Immortal
April must not be a very good month for blogging. When things get busy, my website seems to suffer. Oh well...

The last two or three days I've been having some definite self-image issues. Now keep in mind that when I look in the mirror I certainly can't always see where I'm headed, but usually at least once every few days I can look at myself and smile about the progress and be secure in my final destination. These past days that hasn't been the case. Could it be because I'm getting some mild regrowth after laser gave me a transiently clean face? Could it be because I needed a trim to keep things healthy and was forced to lose an inch of hair (2 months growing time)? Could it be because I've been deluding myself all along? Okay, well prolly not the last one, but It's difficult to deal with issues like this. Keep in mind that as a guy, I never had these kind of problems. Granted I looked male instead of female but I reconciled that fact with "If I have to look like a guy, I made out pretty good" and that always worked for the most part. Even as an awkward teen going through puberty (for the first time) I still felt somewhat confident (albeit unhappy) in the person I portrayed. So now, dealing with issues like these for the first time, I find myself less prepared.

I'm kinda on my way back up now. Just some passing insecurities that I chatted about with T* last night. Her support gets me through so much these days. I'm consoling myself with the fact that I'm getting my ears pierced next week. Can't wait!

Class calls...

Evening Out With Friends
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Clocks
Saturday night I got a chance to go out with some friends from highschool. People I've known for a decade or more now. Friends who I've kept up with over the years at birthdays, graduations, weddings, etc. But this time, things felt a bit odd. I've always been slightly more real with them than other people, but they still don't know who I truly am and for some reason it was more obvious to me on Saturday. I have absolutely no idea how these people will take my transition but my guess is not very well. In fact I'm mostly terrified of telling them. So what did I do? Get drunk of course. Very very drunk. Now I know that sounds like taking the easy way out but I would have gotten drunk with them regardless. This time it just made it easier to talk with them. Is that wrong?

Another Obligation Fulfilled
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: My Name is Jonas
I'm sorry to everyone for my absence. I would have given you all the details earlier, but there's always the possibility that it could have compromised my safety and what mild anonymity I still carry here. I was in California for the past weekish presenting my research. One more boy obligation out of the way. Not to mention finishing that up has taken away a huge amount of stress I've been carrying for weeks (or months). Apologies to all the women I know from California that I didn't get a chance to catch up. I really would have made plans to visit with some of you if I had had the free time, but unfortunately I was no where near L.A. or San Francisco (more than a hundred miles away from both) and I only had one afternoon and evening free (during which I completely passed out in a chair watching national geographic tv I think). Overall, my trip was mostly uneventful. My presentation was well received and I didn't let down the doc overseeing my work so it was a good experience. I stole a few free moments and trudged through the rain to see an overcast Pacific with my best confidant and favorite sheep Vanco (looking out one of the windows at our hotel here), and then I was back on airplanes for another 14 hour trip back to New York. I now despise airports.

So that's the reason for my absence. I'm catching up on email as I type this and anything I don't finish will be done tomorrow, scouts honor. So if you wrote to me years ago and haven't heard from me yet have faith :-P

"Something in your eyes, makes me want to lose myself,
Makes me want to lose myself, in your arms.
There's something in your voice, makes my heart beat fast.
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life.
If you knew how lonely my life has been,
And how low I've felt so long.
If you knew how I wanted someone to come along,
And change my life the way you've done.

Feels like home to me, feels like home to me,
Feels like I'm on my way back where I come from.
Feels like home to me, feels like home to me,
Feels like I'm on my way back where I belong.

A window breaks down a long dark street,
And a siren wails over my head.
But I'm all right, 'cause I have you here with me.
And I can almost see through the dark there's light..."

--Bonnie Raitt

The 'Rents
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: The Reason
Right, so both my parents have started to ask me if I'm okay lately. In fact my dad bugs my sister all the time now trying to find out if she knows what's going on. It can't have much to do with how I act around them or how I sound on the phone because I've been really in a great mood for the last few months (yup, even better than normal). The only other thing I can think of is that they are subconsciously registering the changes in my appearance that are obvious now even to me and that makes them sense that something isn't right. I went to dinner with my mom and her husband last night wearing a hat to hide the fact that my hair reaches my shoulders now. I'm not ready for them to start asking questions yet so that's how it has to be. They thought my hair was too long months ago. My mom also commented that I have a lot more freckles now than she remembers. "Sorry mom, must be a side effect of the high levels of estrogen I've been taking." So yeah, the cat isn't gonna be happy in the bag much longer. I'm planning on telling my dad when I get back from Cali, but no solid plans on when to tell my mom. I'd really like to get some more of my stuff out of her garage before I "disclose" to them. Chances are once I'm "out" anything left there will be out of my grasp forever. We'll see.

A few days ago T* and I were snuggled up under a blanket on her bed watching a program on one of the Discovery channels about zoo babies. Somehow our conversation turned toward having children and once again (like it has so many times in the past) the fact that I will never have any genetic children of my own hit me like a sack of bricks. Plus, thanks to our friend E*, the faucets opened up and I flooded the pillows. Now I knew what I was doing going in and given the opportunity I wouldn't go back and change my decision now, but it's still a hurt that won't go away and I imagine it will only get worse with time. *Sigh* One more price to pay for being born this way...

More Sunday Ramblings (a.k.a. Happy Easter)
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Your Song
Yes, I've been neglecting my web site.
Yes, that neglect will continue for a little while still.
Sorry for the long absence. Things have gotten super busy and they won't get much better for another 10 days or so. At that point, all my work on my research will be finished (including the presentation I have to do), school will be winding down and I'll finally have a few minutes to breath again.

So this weekend my sister and her fiance came up to visit me. If you don't remember my earlier post, my sis knows about the fact that I'm transsexual and that I'm moving ahead with transition. She's been nothing but supportive and completely awesome in every way. T* and I sat down and answered the rest of the questions they had and tried to explain exactly why I'm doing what I am (as if I even know myself). It was really great to have T* help me out as she understands really well from an outside point of view what I'm going through and tends to be able to vocalize what I'm trying to say 100 times better. We didn't do much of anything exciting except sit around and talk until all hours of the night. I think I'm going to be able to be a lot closer with my sister now that this isn't between us. It feels great to just have everything out in the open and not feel as if I'm a bad person for it anymore.

Yesterday, we went out to get some lunch (minus T*)and while my sis was in the bathroom her fiance asked me if I wanted to go to my sister's wedding shower. He said that she doesn't know they're throwing her one and all the women from both sides of their families were going to be there so I was more than welcome to go. At which point I immediately choked up. They've both been so good about everything and it's very obvious that they are already starting to identify me as being the woman I am. Although I wanted to go, there will be a large number of people there that still won't know that I'm transitioning so I had to politely decline. I don't want to cause problems, afterall, hopefully she'll only get married once and I don't want to do anything that could jeopardize her comfortability just before they tie the knot. There are already enough issues that have come up on their own.

I added another set of photos. Nothing very exciting but maybe enough to appease people until I get some more free time :-P Sorry about the email back up. You'll hear from me soon.

Fun With Canadian Customs
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Breathe (Sean Konnery Club Mix)
Yestereday was just one of those days...

I had a laser appointment scheduled for the afternoon in Canada which is a bit of a drive so I decided to get the front tires changed on the Mustang and the oil changed just so nothing would go wrong halfway down the QEW. I've had a bit of uneven wear on my front tires because my alignment is all out of whack so it was time to bite the bullet and get them replaced. Hm...seems that I forgot that I have extra wide, low profile tires on my car and a size that no one stocks. It took me all morning to find someone who carries the right kind and had the time to switch them out for me. So, $380 and 3 hours later I had 2 new front tires and a front end alignment. Ouchies. If only I had access to a garage here I would have done it myself. *Sigh* At least it was done and out of the way.

I ran over and picked up T* at 1:30 and we zipped off toward the Canadian border. Although usually the roads are pretty empty at that time on a Friday, things were packed yesterday and there were cop-ers everywhere so I had to follow speed limits (sadly). Be honest, who doesn't like to crank things up on the highway? At that point we were already making lousy time and when we finally got to the U.S./Canadian border, instead of flying through like normal, there was a long line of cars backed up in front of us. Just one of those days. At this point I was starting to worry about actually making my appointment on time, but we always make good time on the QEW once we cross the border so I tried to relax.

Fifteen minutes later we pulled up next to the booth to speak with the Border patrol Officer. I knew we were in trouble right away, lol. He was obviously in a wretched mood and for some reason border guards (U.S. and Canadian) make themselves feel better by giving travelers a hard time. He asked us where we were coming from 3 times and by the time we were done he knew what city, county, state and country we were from. Okay mofo, that was really necessary. Then he asks us why we're going to Canada. Now keep in mind this is the third time in the last 2 months or so that we've crossed the border for laser appointments and I say the same thing everytime we go (without any problems before I might add). So I tell him that I have a doctors appointment (because the laser center I go to has a doctor on the premises overseeing things so technically this is true). So then he asks what kind of doctors appointment I have. Hello, in violation of HIPAA guidelines here aren't we? Last I knew Canada still followed those rules in accordance with the U.S. concerning citizens from both countries seeking medical treatment on either side of the border. Moron. Anyways, because we were already running late and because I didn't really care if he knew or not, I told him I was going to have laser work done on my face. I didn't specifically mention what type of laser work but that was all he was gonna get. So, still being completely rude, he scribbles something on a yellow sheet, hands it to me and says, "You have to go through the immigration offices ahead on your right. Go." OMFG. At this point T* and I have no idea what's going on and we're getting pretty tired of this stuff. We walk into the immigration building and stand in line for 10 minutes only to be told we have to go to another office. Just one of those days, right? Finally we end up in the right place and speak to a woman this time who asks us another 100 questions or so, but at least she was polite about it. Eventually, about 30 minutes after reaching the border they finally let us through. As if visiting Canada is worth that much hassle. Ack. So now, we're way behind schedule which means we're flying down the QEW and all the nice Canadian citizens are just getting out of our way, lol. In hindsight it probably wasn't the best idea, but luckily we avoided the Royal Mounties (is that what they call them in Canada?).

We arrived at the laser office with 3 minutes to spare, lol. Good thing I got those new tires ;-)

The laser tech asked me how things went after the first treatment and was surprised at how good my results were already. She told me again that I'm a perfect candidate for laser treatment (sweet) and said we should reevaluate things after my third treatment considering my results so far. So I put on the goggles and laid back on the table for another 20-30 minutes of laser work. Things were supposed to hurt less this time right? Not quite. We upped the joules to 23 for the upper lip and 25 for the rest of the face and things were cooking right away. There were a number of spots where the laser did it's job last time and so the pain was almost non-existant in those places, but the areas where follicles were still growing were that much more painful. Ouchies. I'd say overall the pain was about the same as my initial treatment. I tried to console myself with the no pain no gain mantra and did a lot of fist clenching (I think I still have the fingernail marks). I made it through though and am now one step closer to going fulltime. Work went pretty quick even with the pain and before I knew it we were done.

Immediately afterwards I was really red in the face (more so than the first time I had laser work) but it dissipated pretty quickly. It was noticeably less by the time we got back to the border (and crossed with no fuss, thankfully), and now around 24 hours later it's almost completely gone. One more thing out of the way :-)

T* and I got some take out from Olive Garden (I wasn't going in with my messy face) and spent a nice evening in. So that was Friday, definitely one of those days.

"She"
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Flutter Girl
Happy April Fool's Day to everyone (is it suppose to be happy?).

I finally caught up with my laser tech yesterday so I'll be headed back up to Canada tomorrow afternoon to burn my face some more. It's been 5 weeks now since my first treatment and I have a limited amount of sparse, fine regrowth with some thicker growth in a few areas that look like they were missed the first time. Overall though, things still look really great. Supposedly this time should be a lot less painful too, because the density of hair follicles should be reduced (leading to less heat generated in the skin). I'm really starting to enjoy the Fridays I go for treatment. Zap away a bunch of hair, spend some alone time with T* and then have the weekend to recoup. How could it be better?

Speaking of, I was at T*'s apartment the other night. We were sitting in her kitchen with one of her roommates and just chatting (I was in boy-mode sadly). For the record, I think her roommate (hence forth referred to as D*) has some idea that something's going on but he either doesn't know exactly what or he's in denial. T* and I haven't talked with him about it because she won't be living with him next year (actually not next year, more like two months from now!), she'll be living with me :-D Anyways, I can't even remember what we were talking about specifically, but in the course of our conversation D* referred to me as "she" not once but twice! :-D Now I'm just trying to convince myself that it wasn't a slip of the tongue but him reacting subconsciously to my increasing female appearance even in boy-mode. Maybe, maybe, maybe...one of these days...I'll finally get ma'amed when I'm out in boy-mode. Hoping this is a positive sign that things are moving that way.

Ok so I've actually been almost on top of things lately. I added another link today to Victoria. Another GP woman I've looked up to in many ways. Her web design is really great and she's recently started her own blogger. Go have a look.

Wow, already April. There's so much going on this year it's just flying by. Always more to do, see you soon.

Another Day of Hookey
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Baby I'm a Big Star Now
Hard to believe I can actually still be in school with all the classes I skip these days, isn't it? Yesterday, right before my exam, I was crammed into the hall outside the auditorium with 140 other classmates when a girl I know asked me, "Did you fall asleep on something this morning?" Which had me totally confused, did I have one of those dreaded red marks on my face? lol. I couldn't remember falling asleep. "No, why?" "Well, you just have a dark streak under your jaw there and I wondered if you fell asleep on your notes and something rubbed off." Ack, see that's what happens when you have laser work done. Your face becomes so clear that the few spots that are missed can look dark and out of place even after you've shaved. So I wasn't going to lie, "Oh, no, I had some laser work done on my face. It makes things grow back a little odd." lol. I think she got embarassed that she asked. Didn't bother me though, I'm just looking forward to finishing up my next laser session and getting rid of those small spots. No makeup has a beautiful sound to it.

I did a little revamping to my links again. I'm always tweaking things. Got the chance to add another woman I met at GP. Courtney has a great personality, go take a look at her site. She was one of those women that shared her before and after photos and blew me away. Definitely inspirational. I'm sure I'll keep making little changes here for a while to come. You'll just have to stop back often to keep up with me :-P

I've had a website now for a year (as of yesterday). I can't believe it's already been that long. One of the biggest surprises is that I've been able to stick with it and keep updates fairly close together. That was one thing I didn't want to run into when I was starting out. There are so many pages on the internet that have a short life and then end up collecting dust. I didn't want to put some effort into a web site just to give up on it a few months later. Looks like I've been able to avoid that so far. I hope I'll be here for at least a few more years to come. Sharing my trials and tribulations with everyone here has been a great growing experience that I never expected. Thank you to everyone who has contributed or dropped me a line.

;-)

Another Sunday Afternoon
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Fly Away
So I was out shopping again this weekend with my totally limited funds *Sigh* Mostly a Victoria's Secret day. A girl needs those basics right? I realize more and more how small my usable wardrobe actually is. It's gonna take a big chunk of cash to get to the point where I have enough stuff to go full-time. I suppose that's what the next 15 months are for. Hm...such a short span of time between being a guy and being a girl. Hard to imagine that everything can be completed in that little stretch of time, but I'm determined to make it work.

I got another chance to chat with Jayne on the phone early today. So great to catch up with her. It's nice to have someone who's going through the exact same things you are at the same time. She understands the issues I have really well and we encourage each other to keep moving ahead. She's a good friend :-) To all the other girls out there who are early in transition and haven't really had a chance to talk with someone who understands these issues or better yet, meet them in person, I can't describe how much it helps. It's comforting and sobering all at the same time. Don't miss the opportunity.

I added a section to my HRT diary (yes, again :-P) that I found really interesting. It's a progression of head shots from before I started HRT up until now. Nothing new or exciting but it brings them all together in one place so you can see the transformation. I'm not sure that the changes are huge, but the subtleties start to add up. Hope you find it interesting (especially because some of the older photos are hard to look at now, lol).

Anyways, I'm completely lazy when it comes to school these days. Motivation just isn't there. Only 6 weeks left of classrooms and then I'm basically done with that forever. Hallelujah!!

Wish me luck on tomorrow's mental mind boggler.

;-)