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Andrea: The Transition
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Wednesday, 24 March 2004
Little Things...
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: It's Gonna Be Me
[shameless plug] Did I mention that Zappos is my new favorite place to get shoes from? Not only do they have a huge selection of shoes, their customer service is 1st rate. My skechers were shipped for free, next day air. I have to say I'm pretty impressed. Now I just need to avoid going there or I'm likely to spend way too much money. [/shameless plug]

My sister has been overflowing with questions about what I'm doing and what I'm planning to do. I've spent hours over the last few days emailing her. She's coming up to visit T* and I with her fiance early next month. I can't wait to see her. We still have so much to talk about. Should be lots of fun.

In other news, I finally updated my links page a little. Go visit Reise and Kara, two women I've gotten to know to some extent from GP. Both have their own blogs and their own unique perspectives. I'm sure it'll be more interesting than what I whine about ;-)

Still too much going on here. Must run. Be good to each other.

:-)


Posted by andreaportman at 3:29 PM EST | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Wednesday, 24 March 2004 3:33 PM EST
Monday, 22 March 2004
Still In Shock...
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Right Now
Ok, think of the best reaction someone could have to you telling them you're transsexual. Keep in mind that this person is your sibling, that you've never given any hints of what's going on and the fact that though you've always been close you don't often see each other due to conflicting schedules. Now multiply that good reaction times a 100. That's what I got from my sister when I told her what is and will be going on in my life. I'm still kind of awe struck, it hasn't sunk in. Let me quote for you a few of her responses:

"None of this changes the way I feel about you."
"The only thing I feel right now is compassion and extreme joy that you were able to tell me."
"If you ever need to talk about anything having to do with our family feel free to unload on me."
"I hope telling the family goes as well as possible."
"Can I ooh and aah over dresses with you now? Does it work like that? Do you like makeup and stuff? Okay maybe I'm not that lucky, but if you do let me know, that would be so cool!"
"I can't tell you how happy I am that you were able to tell me."
"Feel free to talk to me about anything you might be going through."


And there was more I can't remember now. I'm amazed at how accepting and supportive people have been that I've opened up to so far. I'm truly blessed. I wanted to update this earlier but access to the server that hosts my website has been down for a little while. Sorry for the wait. I'll add more to this later, but this week is really busy and I have a ton to do at the moment.

I have to run and call about apartments for 2 ;-) I'll leave you with that to think about for a while. C-ya soon...


Posted by andreaportman at 4:20 PM EST | Post Comment | View Comments (4) | Permalink
Updated: Monday, 22 March 2004 4:23 PM EST
Sunday, 21 March 2004
One Down, Many More To Go
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Hands Down
I ordered a new pair of kicks from Zappos. Nothing flashy or exciting. Just a classic pair of Skechers. I think they reflect who I am really well. Just down to earth. I'm one of those firm believers that shoes can tell you a whole lot about what kind of person is wearing them.

Anyways, to get to the point. I'm having a little chat with my sister this afternoon to tell her what's been going on in my life. Yes, I'm going to have that talk with her. Wish me luck.


Posted by andreaportman at 12:41 PM EST | Post Comment | View Comments (3) | Permalink
Friday, 19 March 2004
You Can't Like That!
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: NCAA Tournament
Have you gotten your FDA reccommended dose of NCAA basketball? I think it surprises people sometimes when they find out how much I like sports. They give me a line something like, "But how can you like sports if you're transsexaul? Isn't that more a guy thing?" Good question. I understand that many t-women took on hobbies and got involved in things simply because it was expected of them as guys. For me that's not the case. I have some hobbies and things that I enjoy that are typically male (i.e. sports, fast cars, computers and video games when I was younger, etc), but I never did them because I wanted to fit in. I picked them up because I genuinely enjoyed them and still do for the most part. I also had some things I did as a child that leaned toward the feminine. I tended to mix and match as it pleased me. Perhaps I was more able to do this because I was mostly an independent child. I had friends and knew a lot of people but I spent a lot of time on my own too. Maybe that helped to keep me from developing a "crowd mentality". Having spoken with a lot of transsexual women in various stages of transition, it seems that many of us tend to avoid typically masculine hobbies at some point. This seems to be especially true after one goes full-time. As if the mere association with anything male could suggest that we are not the women we believe ourselves to be. Hoping to avoid that as I have in the past. Afterall, what would March be without the tournament?

It's 3 weeks today since I had my first laser appointment and I'm scheduling my second for next week. According to my laser tech, everything that's going to fall out from a treatment should be gone at the 3 week mark and subsequent treatments should fall in 4 to 6 week intervals. This catches hairs while they are in the growing cycle (which is the only time treatment can be completely effective). At this point, I've had basically complete clearance of the face. It takes longer for the killed follicles to fall out than I originally anticipated (see my March 13th entry and comments). I do have a few streaks below the jawline and on the neck where hair is still growing, but I think these areas were just overlooked by the laser tech rather than being extra hard to kill. Overall, the difference is huge. I've been able to go 4 or 5 times as long between shaving as I used to, hairs that are growing back are coming in slower and finer, and at this point I'm not nearly as skeptical about laser as I was initially. Let's hope that a lot of the follicles killed will be gone permanently. That'll be the real test.

I'm going out with T* and one of her roommates tonight who has promised me that we'll all be very drunk by the time we get back. Someone line up a liver donor for me.

;-)

"Sunrise sunrise
Looks like morning in your eyes
But the clocks had nine fifteen for hours

Sunrise sunrise
Couldn't tempt us if it tried
Cause the afternoon's already come and gone
And I said
Hooohooo hooohooo hooohooo
To you

Surprise surprise
Couldn't find it in your eyes
But I'm sure it's written all over my face

Surprise surprise
Never something I could hide
When I see we've made it through another day
Then I say
Hooohoo hooohooo hooohooo
To you

Now the night
Throw its cover down
Mmm on me again
Ooo and if I'm right
It's the only way to bring me back
Hooohooo hooohooo hooohooo
To you
Hooohooo hooohooo hooohooo
To you"


--Norah Jones


Posted by andreaportman at 1:11 PM EST | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Monday, 29 March 2004 4:23 PM EST
Thursday, 18 March 2004
Happy Belated St. Patrick's Day
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: NCAA Tournament
I hope everyone had a great St. Patrick's day yesterday and remembered to wear green. I went out with some friends from school to a little irish pub that happens to have Guiness on tap. If you've never had, you're missing out. So that's why I played hookey from school today, I was recovering.


Posted by andreaportman at 3:01 PM EST | Post Comment | Permalink
Monday, 15 March 2004
The Pictures Came Back
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Adia
Yeah, my face finally healed up enough from laser to take some more photos. And before you start flaming me about how all my pictures are taken from the same point of view, it's not my fault. There's only so much a $40 webcam can do for you. The farther I get away from it the more blurry and washed out the photos get. I refer you to this pic for an example. Those are just the breaks. But wow, I really love the color my hair turned out in those. Honestly, it's not entirely accurate (another artifact of my cheap webcam probably). My hair definitely has some strong red highlights but only in bright light. Normally I'm just your regular old brunette. Still, I'd consider dying it to match as I think that color looks really good, but I'm not sure T* would approve. 2 redheads might be too many :-P

The shirt in the picture is something I picked up while shopping with T* last week. I totally love it, it's a great little button down and it fits beautifully :-) Plus, if you look close you can see my ring of power, lol. Ok, not exactly. It's something of T*'s I've been wearing but I got scared it would fall off in the shower so I put it on a chain. Much safer.

Got to see both my sibs this weekend. Took 9 hours of driving on my part for it to work out (all in one day!) but it was worth it. I was kind of considering "disclosing" to them but it didn't work out. Too many people around who didn't need to know right away/ever. Still, it was really good to see them both at once again. :-)

That's the quick recap. No more time to type now. Classes are back and running full speed already. Later.


Posted by andreaportman at 5:46 PM EST | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Tuesday, 16 March 2004 1:32 PM EST
Saturday, 13 March 2004
#2
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: Can't Change Me
Someone shoot me, I just lost the entire entry I typed. OMFG. It's not the first time either. My mind has been on vacation lately too I guess. So if what follows is garbage then just realize that the one I erased was a literary work of genius :-P

Yesterday I was reminded again that Estrogen is running my life at the moment. T* and I decided to order out last night, but when everything arrived it turned out that they got all my food wrong. So while I pouted T* called them and had them charge back our order, but they said it would take them at least an hour to get everything redelivered to us. I told T* not to worry about it and to eat her food before it got cold, and then proceeded to burst out into tears. Yup, over food. Of course T* got worried and asked me what was wrong (because honestly, who cries over food, right?) to which I didn't have an answer. So yeah, I've been way over emotional lately. I blame the wrench I tossed into my endocrine system 11 months ago. Hopefully I'll be able to get a handle on this sort of thing soon.

It's been just over 2 weeks now since my first laser treatment and I think it's turned out really well. Although I never got complete clearance, a lot came out and regrowth has been sparse and slow. Hair along the temples and cheeks seemed to respond best (makes sense, it was the thinnest there) while a few spots along the jaw line and on the neck could use a little more work. I'm planning on heading back for my second "burning" in about 2 weeks (as per the instructions of my laser tech). Keep your fingers crossed that things keep going in the right direction. :-)

My brother flew in from Texas today and tomorrow we're driving downstate to visit my sister. It will be the first time in about 3 or 4 years that all three of us have been together at once. It would be nice if I could muster up the courage to tell them what's been going on in my life, but that's not going to happen. Should be fun though.

So nothing startling or exciting. Stay tuned for the next few months when my life falls apart during disclosure and the subsequent work I have to do with my school to go full-time. It should make for an interesting episode or two.

"Open your arms to the lonely shine
Lonesome as gold in a poor man's smile
See how the moon is full, follow the push and pull
Follow the ebb and flow in the breathing tide,
Come on moonchild you're so far away tonight
The door is falling open and we're flying wild
Cat on the road, down in the living night
See how the black dog grins in the diamond light,
We're dreaming and we're real,
We're broken and we're healed
Give in to what you feel over what you see
Come on moonchild, you're so far away tonight
The door is falling open and we're flying wild,
Come on moon flower, you're so far away from now
You could bloom forever in the hour..."


--Chris Cornell


Posted by andreaportman at 12:35 PM EST | Post Comment | View Comments (4) | Permalink
Updated: Saturday, 13 March 2004 2:22 PM EST
Thursday, 11 March 2004
Pondering Disclosure...
Mood:  not sure
Whether it comes up often here in my blog or not, my "disclosure" to my family has been at the front of my mind for the last 2 months or so. I've done my research, poured over countless other letters and descriptions of the deed from others who went before me, but every time I sit down and type out those first few lines my mind throws up a mental road block. How do you tell parents that the son that they brag about to their friends and family is dead? How do you tell them that the child they raised was miserable throughout her childhood? How do you put to words something that will turn their world upside down?

"Mom, Dad, I need you to take a deep breath. What you're about to read may be difficult, but please do your best to consider what I have to say carefully and take some time to reflect on it before reacting..."

And that's about as far as I get. In reality, my parents are divorced, have been for years. Why do I keep starting my letter addressing both of them at once?

"I have a condition I've been dealing with all my life. In fact I've been seeing professionals about it on and off for the last 6 years now."

Yes, your child is crazy.

"I know it may be hard for you to understand but this is something that I've kept from friends, from family and even from myself to some extent. It's taken me more than two decades to come to grips with my issues and take some positive steps to resolve them."

Yes, your child is a liar.

"I suffer from a condition called Gender Identity Disorder. In layman's terms people with this medical issue are referred to as transsexual."

Yes, your child is a freak.

"Please understand that admitting that to myself was one of the most difficult things I've had to do in my entire life, second only to writing this letter.

What does all this mean? It means that all my life I've been trying to be something I wasn't. That I've been building a fake persona for the outside world while living a very different life privately. That I identified as a female even as puberty drove home the point that on the outside, I was anything but. Eventually that divide between my internal gender and my external biology started to destroy my life. It came to the point where I had to decide whether I would sink or swim. At times, I felt like I was going down like a rock, but in the end I've decided to put all the effort I can into keeping my head above water. It's a struggle, but I'm coming out on top."


Yes, your child has considered suicide.

"Changing my gender means that I will be risking the loss of friends and putting job security in my future career in jeopardy. That I will lose certain protections in the eyes of the law and that people who know about my past will likely treat me differently. I'm not asking for your understanding or approval in this, but I want to be up front with you and I hope that one day you'll be able to accept me for who I am regardless. Whether the child you knew was a carefully constructed facade or not, my love for you has always been true, and I don't want you to feel that this has come about through some fault of yours."

Yes, your child will be a source of shame.

"So where do things go from here? As I've said, I will continue to seek therapy for my condition. This will include hormone therapy, changing the way I look in certain ways to match my gender identity, changing my name and other records and eventually assuming a new role as a woman. I am currently in the process of clearing all of this at school to ensure that things proceed smoothly. Please believe me when I say that I am moving ahead with this. It's something that I need to do for myself to bring my life back together and to be happy in the future. I know you'll have many questions that you may want addressed and I will do my best to be open and forthcoming with my experiences and my expectations.

With Love,
--"


Yes, your child is dead, but you have another child that you never knew about. You have the opportunity to be involved in her life and to share in her struggles, in her triumphs and especially in her love.

Still a lot of work to do here. I'm amazed I got that much down. Thanks for listening.


Posted by andreaportman at 3:29 PM EST | Post Comment | View Comments (2) | Permalink
Wednesday, 10 March 2004
Shopping Success
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Absolutely (Story of a Girl)
How lazy can one person get? I seem to update more when I'm not on break. Meh, can you blame a girl for taking a few days off? Of course you didn't spend 7 hours yesterday reading about pharmacology did you? Guess we're even then :-P

So T* and I went to the mall yesterday. It was quite simply, awesome :-) We went downtown and wandered through the one with several floors. So much fun. The plan was to hit mostly department stores that catered to men and women. More space, fewer sales associates and fewer shoppers per square foot. It was the first time I could walk through the juniors department and just basically browse rather than keeping my eyes on the floor to avoid eye contact. *Sigh* I want to go back!! At first T* felt a little odd, but once we'd stopped at the first store she fell right into it. A good time was had by all :-)

I ended up finding several pairs of pants and tops (no skirts for me thanx). I had planned on getting some professional stuff too considering that I'll need them in the future, but there was just too much old lady stuff at the department stores, lol. Once I get a bit more confidence we'll head back and stop at places like Banana Republic for the professional stuff.

So after a long afternoon of shopping we stopped off at a little Italian place for dinner. Perfect day...


Posted by andreaportman at 1:39 PM EST | Post Comment | View Comments (3) | Permalink
Updated: Wednesday, 10 March 2004 1:41 PM EST
Saturday, 6 March 2004
Free at Last
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Banditos
Ah, the sweet joy of being on break. School has been ruling my life lately so a few days off is like heaven. Spent a great night with T* yesterday polishing off some wine, curled up on her couch and just chatting. It's amazing to have someone here who knows what's going on in my life and is overflowing with support. I really didn't know what I was missing out on before. It seems to have taken a lot of weight off my shoulders. Can't say enough good things about her.

T* and I are headed out shopping next week. She thinks it would probably be good for me to start building up a decent wardrobe of casual and business clothes so she offered to help. My actual plans (as far as a timeline) at the moment are to go full-time by next summer so I suppose I should get moving on some of this stuff. I really want to have most of the difficult things done and to be living my life before I finish up with school so that when I head out into the "real world" (cough cough :-P) I don't have to worry about transitioning on the job. Plus it will give me a background as a woman (from my school records) that will make it that much easier to get employment, etc. without questions being asked.

So now it's just over a week since I had my first laser treatment. Where do things stand? Although everything hasn't fallen out yet, there are some definite improvements so far. For the most part, I haven't really had any growth since last Friday except in a few minor spots. Plus, if you look closely, there are already a lot of smooth spots starting to show up. Every morning after scrubbing my face with a loofa, more comes out. According to the paperwork they gave me at the clinic, I can expect to continue seeing improvements for up to 3 weeks after a treatment. I guess it takes a while for some of the follicles to work their way out. At any rate, the test strip I had done didn't completely clean up until around 2 weeks after it was treated so I'm hoping to see more improvements in this next week. Promise to keep you all posted.

I'm headed out to catch an acoustic group playing at a coffee house here with an old friend from highschool. Until next time.


Posted by andreaportman at 3:28 PM EST | Post Comment | View Comments (2) | Permalink

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