"She"
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Flutter Girl
Happy April Fool's Day to everyone (is it suppose to be happy?).

I finally caught up with my laser tech yesterday so I'll be headed back up to Canada tomorrow afternoon to burn my face some more. It's been 5 weeks now since my first treatment and I have a limited amount of sparse, fine regrowth with some thicker growth in a few areas that look like they were missed the first time. Overall though, things still look really great. Supposedly this time should be a lot less painful too, because the density of hair follicles should be reduced (leading to less heat generated in the skin). I'm really starting to enjoy the Fridays I go for treatment. Zap away a bunch of hair, spend some alone time with T* and then have the weekend to recoup. How could it be better?

Speaking of, I was at T*'s apartment the other night. We were sitting in her kitchen with one of her roommates and just chatting (I was in boy-mode sadly). For the record, I think her roommate (hence forth referred to as D*) has some idea that something's going on but he either doesn't know exactly what or he's in denial. T* and I haven't talked with him about it because she won't be living with him next year (actually not next year, more like two months from now!), she'll be living with me :-D Anyways, I can't even remember what we were talking about specifically, but in the course of our conversation D* referred to me as "she" not once but twice! :-D Now I'm just trying to convince myself that it wasn't a slip of the tongue but him reacting subconsciously to my increasing female appearance even in boy-mode. Maybe, maybe, maybe...one of these days...I'll finally get ma'amed when I'm out in boy-mode. Hoping this is a positive sign that things are moving that way.

Ok so I've actually been almost on top of things lately. I added another link today to Victoria. Another GP woman I've looked up to in many ways. Her web design is really great and she's recently started her own blogger. Go have a look.

Wow, already April. There's so much going on this year it's just flying by. Always more to do, see you soon.

Another Day of Hookey
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Baby I'm a Big Star Now
Hard to believe I can actually still be in school with all the classes I skip these days, isn't it? Yesterday, right before my exam, I was crammed into the hall outside the auditorium with 140 other classmates when a girl I know asked me, "Did you fall asleep on something this morning?" Which had me totally confused, did I have one of those dreaded red marks on my face? lol. I couldn't remember falling asleep. "No, why?" "Well, you just have a dark streak under your jaw there and I wondered if you fell asleep on your notes and something rubbed off." Ack, see that's what happens when you have laser work done. Your face becomes so clear that the few spots that are missed can look dark and out of place even after you've shaved. So I wasn't going to lie, "Oh, no, I had some laser work done on my face. It makes things grow back a little odd." lol. I think she got embarassed that she asked. Didn't bother me though, I'm just looking forward to finishing up my next laser session and getting rid of those small spots. No makeup has a beautiful sound to it.

I did a little revamping to my links again. I'm always tweaking things. Got the chance to add another woman I met at GP. Courtney has a great personality, go take a look at her site. She was one of those women that shared her before and after photos and blew me away. Definitely inspirational. I'm sure I'll keep making little changes here for a while to come. You'll just have to stop back often to keep up with me :-P

I've had a website now for a year (as of yesterday). I can't believe it's already been that long. One of the biggest surprises is that I've been able to stick with it and keep updates fairly close together. That was one thing I didn't want to run into when I was starting out. There are so many pages on the internet that have a short life and then end up collecting dust. I didn't want to put some effort into a web site just to give up on it a few months later. Looks like I've been able to avoid that so far. I hope I'll be here for at least a few more years to come. Sharing my trials and tribulations with everyone here has been a great growing experience that I never expected. Thank you to everyone who has contributed or dropped me a line.

;-)

Another Sunday Afternoon
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Fly Away
So I was out shopping again this weekend with my totally limited funds *Sigh* Mostly a Victoria's Secret day. A girl needs those basics right? I realize more and more how small my usable wardrobe actually is. It's gonna take a big chunk of cash to get to the point where I have enough stuff to go full-time. I suppose that's what the next 15 months are for. Hm...such a short span of time between being a guy and being a girl. Hard to imagine that everything can be completed in that little stretch of time, but I'm determined to make it work.

I got another chance to chat with Jayne on the phone early today. So great to catch up with her. It's nice to have someone who's going through the exact same things you are at the same time. She understands the issues I have really well and we encourage each other to keep moving ahead. She's a good friend :-) To all the other girls out there who are early in transition and haven't really had a chance to talk with someone who understands these issues or better yet, meet them in person, I can't describe how much it helps. It's comforting and sobering all at the same time. Don't miss the opportunity.

I added a section to my HRT diary (yes, again :-P) that I found really interesting. It's a progression of head shots from before I started HRT up until now. Nothing new or exciting but it brings them all together in one place so you can see the transformation. I'm not sure that the changes are huge, but the subtleties start to add up. Hope you find it interesting (especially because some of the older photos are hard to look at now, lol).

Anyways, I'm completely lazy when it comes to school these days. Motivation just isn't there. Only 6 weeks left of classrooms and then I'm basically done with that forever. Hallelujah!!

Wish me luck on tomorrow's mental mind boggler.

;-)

Little Things...
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: It's Gonna Be Me
[shameless plug] Did I mention that Zappos is my new favorite place to get shoes from? Not only do they have a huge selection of shoes, their customer service is 1st rate. My skechers were shipped for free, next day air. I have to say I'm pretty impressed. Now I just need to avoid going there or I'm likely to spend way too much money. [/shameless plug]

My sister has been overflowing with questions about what I'm doing and what I'm planning to do. I've spent hours over the last few days emailing her. She's coming up to visit T* and I with her fiance early next month. I can't wait to see her. We still have so much to talk about. Should be lots of fun.

In other news, I finally updated my links page a little. Go visit Reise and Kara, two women I've gotten to know to some extent from GP. Both have their own blogs and their own unique perspectives. I'm sure it'll be more interesting than what I whine about ;-)

Still too much going on here. Must run. Be good to each other.

:-)

Still In Shock...
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Right Now
Ok, think of the best reaction someone could have to you telling them you're transsexual. Keep in mind that this person is your sibling, that you've never given any hints of what's going on and the fact that though you've always been close you don't often see each other due to conflicting schedules. Now multiply that good reaction times a 100. That's what I got from my sister when I told her what is and will be going on in my life. I'm still kind of awe struck, it hasn't sunk in. Let me quote for you a few of her responses:

"None of this changes the way I feel about you."
"The only thing I feel right now is compassion and extreme joy that you were able to tell me."
"If you ever need to talk about anything having to do with our family feel free to unload on me."
"I hope telling the family goes as well as possible."
"Can I ooh and aah over dresses with you now? Does it work like that? Do you like makeup and stuff? Okay maybe I'm not that lucky, but if you do let me know, that would be so cool!"
"I can't tell you how happy I am that you were able to tell me."
"Feel free to talk to me about anything you might be going through."

And there was more I can't remember now. I'm amazed at how accepting and supportive people have been that I've opened up to so far. I'm truly blessed. I wanted to update this earlier but access to the server that hosts my website has been down for a little while. Sorry for the wait. I'll add more to this later, but this week is really busy and I have a ton to do at the moment.

I have to run and call about apartments for 2 ;-) I'll leave you with that to think about for a while. C-ya soon...

One Down, Many More To Go
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Hands Down
I ordered a new pair of kicks from Zappos. Nothing flashy or exciting. Just a classic pair of Skechers. I think they reflect who I am really well. Just down to earth. I'm one of those firm believers that shoes can tell you a whole lot about what kind of person is wearing them.

Anyways, to get to the point. I'm having a little chat with my sister this afternoon to tell her what's been going on in my life. Yes, I'm going to have that talk with her. Wish me luck.

You Can't Like That!
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: NCAA Tournament
Have you gotten your FDA reccommended dose of NCAA basketball? I think it surprises people sometimes when they find out how much I like sports. They give me a line something like, "But how can you like sports if you're transsexaul? Isn't that more a guy thing?" Good question. I understand that many t-women took on hobbies and got involved in things simply because it was expected of them as guys. For me that's not the case. I have some hobbies and things that I enjoy that are typically male (i.e. sports, fast cars, computers and video games when I was younger, etc), but I never did them because I wanted to fit in. I picked them up because I genuinely enjoyed them and still do for the most part. I also had some things I did as a child that leaned toward the feminine. I tended to mix and match as it pleased me. Perhaps I was more able to do this because I was mostly an independent child. I had friends and knew a lot of people but I spent a lot of time on my own too. Maybe that helped to keep me from developing a "crowd mentality". Having spoken with a lot of transsexual women in various stages of transition, it seems that many of us tend to avoid typically masculine hobbies at some point. This seems to be especially true after one goes full-time. As if the mere association with anything male could suggest that we are not the women we believe ourselves to be. Hoping to avoid that as I have in the past. Afterall, what would March be without the tournament?

It's 3 weeks today since I had my first laser appointment and I'm scheduling my second for next week. According to my laser tech, everything that's going to fall out from a treatment should be gone at the 3 week mark and subsequent treatments should fall in 4 to 6 week intervals. This catches hairs while they are in the growing cycle (which is the only time treatment can be completely effective). At this point, I've had basically complete clearance of the face. It takes longer for the killed follicles to fall out than I originally anticipated (see my March 13th entry and comments). I do have a few streaks below the jawline and on the neck where hair is still growing, but I think these areas were just overlooked by the laser tech rather than being extra hard to kill. Overall, the difference is huge. I've been able to go 4 or 5 times as long between shaving as I used to, hairs that are growing back are coming in slower and finer, and at this point I'm not nearly as skeptical about laser as I was initially. Let's hope that a lot of the follicles killed will be gone permanently. That'll be the real test.

I'm going out with T* and one of her roommates tonight who has promised me that we'll all be very drunk by the time we get back. Someone line up a liver donor for me.

;-)

"Sunrise sunrise
Looks like morning in your eyes
But the clocks had nine fifteen for hours

Sunrise sunrise
Couldn't tempt us if it tried
Cause the afternoon's already come and gone
And I said
Hooohooo hooohooo hooohooo
To you

Surprise surprise
Couldn't find it in your eyes
But I'm sure it's written all over my face

Surprise surprise
Never something I could hide
When I see we've made it through another day
Then I say
Hooohoo hooohooo hooohooo
To you

Now the night
Throw its cover down
Mmm on me again
Ooo and if I'm right
It's the only way to bring me back
Hooohooo hooohooo hooohooo
To you
Hooohooo hooohooo hooohooo
To you"

--Norah Jones

Happy Belated St. Patrick's Day
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: NCAA Tournament
I hope everyone had a great St. Patrick's day yesterday and remembered to wear green. I went out with some friends from school to a little irish pub that happens to have Guiness on tap. If you've never had, you're missing out. So that's why I played hookey from school today, I was recovering.

The Pictures Came Back
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Adia
Yeah, my face finally healed up enough from laser to take some more photos. And before you start flaming me about how all my pictures are taken from the same point of view, it's not my fault. There's only so much a $40 webcam can do for you. The farther I get away from it the more blurry and washed out the photos get. I refer you to this pic for an example. Those are just the breaks. But wow, I really love the color my hair turned out in those. Honestly, it's not entirely accurate (another artifact of my cheap webcam probably). My hair definitely has some strong red highlights but only in bright light. Normally I'm just your regular old brunette. Still, I'd consider dying it to match as I think that color looks really good, but I'm not sure T* would approve. 2 redheads might be too many :-P

The shirt in the picture is something I picked up while shopping with T* last week. I totally love it, it's a great little button down and it fits beautifully :-) Plus, if you look close you can see my ring of power, lol. Ok, not exactly. It's something of T*'s I've been wearing but I got scared it would fall off in the shower so I put it on a chain. Much safer.

Got to see both my sibs this weekend. Took 9 hours of driving on my part for it to work out (all in one day!) but it was worth it. I was kind of considering "disclosing" to them but it didn't work out. Too many people around who didn't need to know right away/ever. Still, it was really good to see them both at once again. :-)

That's the quick recap. No more time to type now. Classes are back and running full speed already. Later.

#2
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: Can't Change Me
Someone shoot me, I just lost the entire entry I typed. OMFG. It's not the first time either. My mind has been on vacation lately too I guess. So if what follows is garbage then just realize that the one I erased was a literary work of genius :-P

Yesterday I was reminded again that Estrogen is running my life at the moment. T* and I decided to order out last night, but when everything arrived it turned out that they got all my food wrong. So while I pouted T* called them and had them charge back our order, but they said it would take them at least an hour to get everything redelivered to us. I told T* not to worry about it and to eat her food before it got cold, and then proceeded to burst out into tears. Yup, over food. Of course T* got worried and asked me what was wrong (because honestly, who cries over food, right?) to which I didn't have an answer. So yeah, I've been way over emotional lately. I blame the wrench I tossed into my endocrine system 11 months ago. Hopefully I'll be able to get a handle on this sort of thing soon.

It's been just over 2 weeks now since my first laser treatment and I think it's turned out really well. Although I never got complete clearance, a lot came out and regrowth has been sparse and slow. Hair along the temples and cheeks seemed to respond best (makes sense, it was the thinnest there) while a few spots along the jaw line and on the neck could use a little more work. I'm planning on heading back for my second "burning" in about 2 weeks (as per the instructions of my laser tech). Keep your fingers crossed that things keep going in the right direction. :-)

My brother flew in from Texas today and tomorrow we're driving downstate to visit my sister. It will be the first time in about 3 or 4 years that all three of us have been together at once. It would be nice if I could muster up the courage to tell them what's been going on in my life, but that's not going to happen. Should be fun though.

So nothing startling or exciting. Stay tuned for the next few months when my life falls apart during disclosure and the subsequent work I have to do with my school to go full-time. It should make for an interesting episode or two.

"Open your arms to the lonely shine
Lonesome as gold in a poor man's smile
See how the moon is full, follow the push and pull
Follow the ebb and flow in the breathing tide,
Come on moonchild you're so far away tonight
The door is falling open and we're flying wild
Cat on the road, down in the living night
See how the black dog grins in the diamond light,
We're dreaming and we're real,
We're broken and we're healed
Give in to what you feel over what you see
Come on moonchild, you're so far away tonight
The door is falling open and we're flying wild,
Come on moon flower, you're so far away from now
You could bloom forever in the hour..."

--Chris Cornell