Warning: Rambling Post Ahead
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Summer Overture
Finally, finally, finally I've started to take my dieting seriously again. For the last almost 6 months now I've been one of those on again off again part time dieters. Mostly because I was just too busy with school and my research (and a million other things) to count calories or even plan ahead of time where my next meal was coming from. This invariably meant that meals came from take out and restaurants and anything quick and convenient and we all know that's synonymous with fatty. It may surprise some of you (it seems to whenever it comes up in chat) that in January of 2003 I weighed in at a cool 208 pounds. Scary, no? Honestly though, most of that was healthy weight (i.e. muscle vs. flab) as I spent a lot of time at the gym. Perhaps I thought that if I improved my body image enough as a boy it would make my GID better. That wasn't the case. Infact, as I got bulkier I got more depressed. Historically, I've had quite a high metabolism so to keep my body weight up over 200 pounds I had to eat constantly all day long. I was taking in something like 5000 calories a day (FDA reccommended being around 1800 for women and 2000 for men on a regular diet) so when I decided to transition in March and went back to a regular balanced intake of about 2000 calories (give or take) my weight dropped back down like a rock. Just not low enough that I was happy with it.

My thinking is that there are two common female body types, the curvy girl and the stick. Unfortunately, it's very hard to be that curvy girl when you start hormone replacement after puberty is over (i.e. after 16-18 ish), it's just not something your body is willing to do. Granted, you get a better fat distribution (less around the heart and midsection and more around the hips), but it tends not to be enough to fill the curvy girl image out. So that leaves me (and many other transsexual women) with the option of having some curves in the wrong places or trying to do away with most of the curves altogether. Now this isn't to say that you won't still have some of the female curves, but a thinner woman tends to have fewer or milder curves which is the limit of what most transsexual women can achieve. With this in mind, I know my BMI needs to be on the lower end of healthy (18-20) rather than on the high end (23-25) to make "passing" (yes, that nasty word) easier. A thin female with mild curves is easier to believe than a larger female with a few curves in the wrong places.

So when I started hormones and moved my diet back down into a normal range my weight dropped back down quickly. Some from decreased caloric intake with a high metabolism and some from muscle mass decrease from a lack of testosterone in my system. In fact after channeling my gym efforts into cardio and away from strength training, my weight was going down at around a pound every day and a half all the way until about mid April of 2003. At that point I had gotten rid of most of my gains in the previous years from the gym but I still wasn't in the range I was looking for. Enter, my diet (and skip a few months).

So with summer rolling around, I really want to be slimmer so I'll look passingly decent when T* and I head out on the town. For the past two weeks, I've finally been consistently hitting my mark of about 1200 calories a day and the results are beginning to show. Keep in mind, you only need to burn 3500 calories to lose a pound so by adhering to a calorie limitation you can predict with some accuracy when you'll hit your target weight. I'm looking forward to those wispy summer fabrics now and hoping once I get to my ideal weight I'll be able to stay there. Afterall, it's way too hot in the summer to be covering up with long sleeves or baggy pants.

In other news, T* and I got confirmation today that we did infact get approved for our new apartment (it was basically a forgone conclusion anyways, but nice to know). We need to go sign the lease and start moving in a week or so. Can't wait!

School's Out!
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Rearview Mirror
Well it's Sunday and normally that would mean I'd be feeling a little melancholy, with the weekend nearly over, but not today. I finished classes on Friday, passed all my exams and am now done with the first two years of grad school. Now I still have classes this week but they're all review classes for my exam in July. So it feels great to be done :-) I wish I could say that I'll have extra time to work on my website and chat this summer but that's not really going to be the case. I have a pretty grueling study schedule ahead of me so I'm going to actually try to avoid the computer as much as possible (I swear, it's my vice). I'll still update here and keep up with everyone, I'm just not betting on lots of free time from here on out. Next year I'll be busy in the field and the school year is 48 weeks long with no gauranteed weekends or evenings off. Fun huh? So I knew this was coming. I'll have to do my best to adjust and set some time aside for this website. It's been great to share this part of my life with all of you and I don't want that to end now. 'Nough said.

T* and I found a beautiful apartment downtown. A nice little two bedroom, very quiet and secluded yet right down in the city. It was really a lucky find. We caught it online before the ad ran in the paper and jumped on it. It's really a great looking place and everything is brand new. :-) I'm really excited to move. We'll be headed there at the end of the month most likely (T* has to be out of her apartment by June 1st) so forgive me if there are a few days of silence on my part. It takes time to move and get the internet hooked up.

I got the invitations to my sister's wedding yesterday. So cute! I'm really happy for her and her fiance and they seem really happy together. Hoping they have many years of happiness. :-)

Oh, I modified my guest book a little bit so you can add a link to your website from now on with your signature. Plus, I may comment on guest book enteries from time to time in the future. I'll add my comments in yellow below the respective post. I guess that's all for now. B'bye :-)

PS: Here's a quick look at the earrings I had put in. I have some more pics that I'll add in a bit but you can't see them as well.

Pierced
Mood:  happy
I did it! I no longer have virgin ears. T* and I went to Cowpok which is a great piercing place here in the city. Very clean and sterile (well as much as possible outside a hospital I guess). It was a bit more expensive than getting it done in the mall at a piercing place like Claires, but the extra cost was worth it. No hassle of going into a little teeny bopper store to do it, I got a pair of really high quality earrings put in and the service was great. So I'm no longer unpierced (I'll add some pics soon I hope), now perhaps I'll think about that tatoo...:-P

T* and I had been out looking at apartments before we stopped by Cowpok and most of what we looked at was junk, but the nicer apartments downtown are still working out a time when we can meet. Has anyone tried to get an apartment before? I had no idea it was so hard to get prospective landlords to answer your call or call you back. I must have made 100 calls in the last 4 days or so and left numerous messages. I got through to a total of 5 people and currently have not gotten any returned calls for the messages I left. Ugh! Frustrating. At least we're going downtown soon. Some of the apartments we're looking at have marble floors, fireplaces, balconies, jacuzzis, etc. Hope to find something there.

Have to run. Be back soon...

What's Ambiguous To You?
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Tears in Heaven
I went out this morning with T* to get some lunch at Wegmans. If you have no idea what Wegmans is, I'm sure you will soon. It's kind of like a Super Walmart but more from the grocery store angle. Plus it's a lot more upscale. Expresso bar, deli, sushi bar, live music sometimes, etc etc. Anyways we got a pair of subs (mmm, buffalo style chicken finger variety, no wonder my diet has been at a stand still) and we were sitting in the window watching the rain outside and talking about how her parents would deal with the fact that she's seeing a transsexual. Just a nice Sunday morning conversation. We were sitting near the cafe entrance and people would come in periodically and pass by us while we were eating. No big deal right?

Well, eventually a guy and a girl walked in and I happened to look up and make brief eye contact with him (not on purpose) as they were coming towards us. Feeling stupid (don't you hate it when you make eye contact with someone by mistake?), I looked back down at T* while she was chatting away. So as they passed by I heard the guy say, "Whoa was that a girl?" Ha ha. Keep in mind I was wearing a pair of tan slacks (obscured from view by the table) and a dark blue button up mens dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up half way. I guess that's me playing boy-mode. Anyways I just found it extremely amusing (and validating perhaps?) that I was out in complete guy mode and here I was confusing someone. Of course I suppose he could have been talking about something completely unrelated as in, "Did you see that person last week at school? Whoa was that a girl?" Or whatever, but I'm going to count it in my favor. :-P

We're going to look at apartments this week. Hoping to find something downtown, close to school, close to the bars, close to the stores but with a suburbian feel. Impossible as that sounds there are actually a few really nice neighborhoods near the park and scattered throughout the city that would work. Working on lining up going to see some. Wish me luck.

P.S.

I added a new set of pictures to the galleries. Just some random ones from this weekend. They don't even all go together, but at least you can see my virgin ears before they get pene...pierced :-P this coming week. People asked what I looked like with my hair up so there you go. I'm starting to look a lot more like my sis, especially in the last pic of the three. Wonder if that will creep her out, lol. Oh well, she's a size 0 and I'll never get any lower than a 6 or an 8 even if I was grossly anorexic. At least she can still console herself with that.

:-P

One More Year Behind Me
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: One More Time
I had my last exam in the classroom today. From now on I'll be graded in the field like a journey(wo)man. Lots of studying to do all summer for my exam in July. Books, books, books.

Just got back from setting up. I have to present my research again tomorrow one last time. By now I basically have the data and most of the paper itself memorized. I ran into a bit of a kink today. Needed to transport a display board that was 60" x 40" in my little mustang. Too wide to go through the trunk, too thick to fold in half. Somehow I managed to squeeze it into the passenger space and slide it into the back window. I only drove about 15 miles with it completely obscuring my rear view :-P Luckily it was raining so the coppers I passed didn't give me much more than a funny look.

Wish I could write a bit more but I need to run. I'll catch up tomorrow. Maybe some new pics this weekend too. We'll see. For everyone who didn't read it before I'm getting my ears pierced on Tuesday and I'm still really excited :-D

TGIF

Mirror Mirror
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: My Immortal
April must not be a very good month for blogging. When things get busy, my website seems to suffer. Oh well...

The last two or three days I've been having some definite self-image issues. Now keep in mind that when I look in the mirror I certainly can't always see where I'm headed, but usually at least once every few days I can look at myself and smile about the progress and be secure in my final destination. These past days that hasn't been the case. Could it be because I'm getting some mild regrowth after laser gave me a transiently clean face? Could it be because I needed a trim to keep things healthy and was forced to lose an inch of hair (2 months growing time)? Could it be because I've been deluding myself all along? Okay, well prolly not the last one, but It's difficult to deal with issues like this. Keep in mind that as a guy, I never had these kind of problems. Granted I looked male instead of female but I reconciled that fact with "If I have to look like a guy, I made out pretty good" and that always worked for the most part. Even as an awkward teen going through puberty (for the first time) I still felt somewhat confident (albeit unhappy) in the person I portrayed. So now, dealing with issues like these for the first time, I find myself less prepared.

I'm kinda on my way back up now. Just some passing insecurities that I chatted about with T* last night. Her support gets me through so much these days. I'm consoling myself with the fact that I'm getting my ears pierced next week. Can't wait!

Class calls...

Evening Out With Friends
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Clocks
Saturday night I got a chance to go out with some friends from highschool. People I've known for a decade or more now. Friends who I've kept up with over the years at birthdays, graduations, weddings, etc. But this time, things felt a bit odd. I've always been slightly more real with them than other people, but they still don't know who I truly am and for some reason it was more obvious to me on Saturday. I have absolutely no idea how these people will take my transition but my guess is not very well. In fact I'm mostly terrified of telling them. So what did I do? Get drunk of course. Very very drunk. Now I know that sounds like taking the easy way out but I would have gotten drunk with them regardless. This time it just made it easier to talk with them. Is that wrong?

Another Obligation Fulfilled
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: My Name is Jonas
I'm sorry to everyone for my absence. I would have given you all the details earlier, but there's always the possibility that it could have compromised my safety and what mild anonymity I still carry here. I was in California for the past weekish presenting my research. One more boy obligation out of the way. Not to mention finishing that up has taken away a huge amount of stress I've been carrying for weeks (or months). Apologies to all the women I know from California that I didn't get a chance to catch up. I really would have made plans to visit with some of you if I had had the free time, but unfortunately I was no where near L.A. or San Francisco (more than a hundred miles away from both) and I only had one afternoon and evening free (during which I completely passed out in a chair watching national geographic tv I think). Overall, my trip was mostly uneventful. My presentation was well received and I didn't let down the doc overseeing my work so it was a good experience. I stole a few free moments and trudged through the rain to see an overcast Pacific with my best confidant and favorite sheep Vanco (looking out one of the windows at our hotel here), and then I was back on airplanes for another 14 hour trip back to New York. I now despise airports.

So that's the reason for my absence. I'm catching up on email as I type this and anything I don't finish will be done tomorrow, scouts honor. So if you wrote to me years ago and haven't heard from me yet have faith :-P

"Something in your eyes, makes me want to lose myself,
Makes me want to lose myself, in your arms.
There's something in your voice, makes my heart beat fast.
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life.
If you knew how lonely my life has been,
And how low I've felt so long.
If you knew how I wanted someone to come along,
And change my life the way you've done.

Feels like home to me, feels like home to me,
Feels like I'm on my way back where I come from.
Feels like home to me, feels like home to me,
Feels like I'm on my way back where I belong.

A window breaks down a long dark street,
And a siren wails over my head.
But I'm all right, 'cause I have you here with me.
And I can almost see through the dark there's light..."

--Bonnie Raitt

The 'Rents
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: The Reason
Right, so both my parents have started to ask me if I'm okay lately. In fact my dad bugs my sister all the time now trying to find out if she knows what's going on. It can't have much to do with how I act around them or how I sound on the phone because I've been really in a great mood for the last few months (yup, even better than normal). The only other thing I can think of is that they are subconsciously registering the changes in my appearance that are obvious now even to me and that makes them sense that something isn't right. I went to dinner with my mom and her husband last night wearing a hat to hide the fact that my hair reaches my shoulders now. I'm not ready for them to start asking questions yet so that's how it has to be. They thought my hair was too long months ago. My mom also commented that I have a lot more freckles now than she remembers. "Sorry mom, must be a side effect of the high levels of estrogen I've been taking." So yeah, the cat isn't gonna be happy in the bag much longer. I'm planning on telling my dad when I get back from Cali, but no solid plans on when to tell my mom. I'd really like to get some more of my stuff out of her garage before I "disclose" to them. Chances are once I'm "out" anything left there will be out of my grasp forever. We'll see.

A few days ago T* and I were snuggled up under a blanket on her bed watching a program on one of the Discovery channels about zoo babies. Somehow our conversation turned toward having children and once again (like it has so many times in the past) the fact that I will never have any genetic children of my own hit me like a sack of bricks. Plus, thanks to our friend E*, the faucets opened up and I flooded the pillows. Now I knew what I was doing going in and given the opportunity I wouldn't go back and change my decision now, but it's still a hurt that won't go away and I imagine it will only get worse with time. *Sigh* One more price to pay for being born this way...

More Sunday Ramblings (a.k.a. Happy Easter)
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Your Song
Yes, I've been neglecting my web site.
Yes, that neglect will continue for a little while still.
Sorry for the long absence. Things have gotten super busy and they won't get much better for another 10 days or so. At that point, all my work on my research will be finished (including the presentation I have to do), school will be winding down and I'll finally have a few minutes to breath again.

So this weekend my sister and her fiance came up to visit me. If you don't remember my earlier post, my sis knows about the fact that I'm transsexual and that I'm moving ahead with transition. She's been nothing but supportive and completely awesome in every way. T* and I sat down and answered the rest of the questions they had and tried to explain exactly why I'm doing what I am (as if I even know myself). It was really great to have T* help me out as she understands really well from an outside point of view what I'm going through and tends to be able to vocalize what I'm trying to say 100 times better. We didn't do much of anything exciting except sit around and talk until all hours of the night. I think I'm going to be able to be a lot closer with my sister now that this isn't between us. It feels great to just have everything out in the open and not feel as if I'm a bad person for it anymore.

Yesterday, we went out to get some lunch (minus T*)and while my sis was in the bathroom her fiance asked me if I wanted to go to my sister's wedding shower. He said that she doesn't know they're throwing her one and all the women from both sides of their families were going to be there so I was more than welcome to go. At which point I immediately choked up. They've both been so good about everything and it's very obvious that they are already starting to identify me as being the woman I am. Although I wanted to go, there will be a large number of people there that still won't know that I'm transitioning so I had to politely decline. I don't want to cause problems, afterall, hopefully she'll only get married once and I don't want to do anything that could jeopardize her comfortability just before they tie the knot. There are already enough issues that have come up on their own.

I added another set of photos. Nothing very exciting but maybe enough to appease people until I get some more free time :-P Sorry about the email back up. You'll hear from me soon.